Pursuing Our Freedom| ✓

Email #2

From: Philomena Gracia Valderama • philograciav@gmail.com
To: precivalderama@gmail.com
Date: ******************

Dear Mommy,

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry for being born. I'm sorry for being your daughter. I'm sorry I didn't reach your expectations. I'm sorry, I know that even if a thousand apologies would not be enough for what I did but with utmost sincerity, I'm so sorry.

I'm still shaky while typing this down, the voices in my head kept on telling me that you at least deserve this. You were never a good mother. That's what they kept on telling me but I refused to agree but at the same time it may be the truth. You never hurt me physically, but your words are carved into my skin, it made me feel embarassed with my own skin.

Some people call me pretty, Mom —but I can never see it. I was always ugly in your eyes, aren't I? Kasi kung hindi, bakit palaging mas gugustuhin mong tumingin sa mga anak ng kaibigan mo kumpara sa akin? Am I really sore to look at?

When you learned that my eyes aren't 20/20, you got angry that you almost burned down my books. I cried when you throw out my precious books. But I forgive you and blame myself because I kept on reading a lot, that's why my vision isn't that clear anymore.

When you left me on the stage while others were laughing at me because I tripped, I blamed myself for not being able to do well when it comes to beauty pageants. Sabi mo nga po, ang tanga ko kasi.

I always wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a ladder for the passionate dreamers. Sariwa pa rin sa akin kung paano mo pinunit-punit ang mga papel ko noon. My drawings of me being a teacher. You tore it apart. You ruined it for me. You told me it's best to be practical.

I have wasted a lot of time and experiences because I wanted to please you. Yet you were never please. You simply loathe me. You cannot love me. Because I'm a constant reminder of the dream you abandoned.

Sabi mo po, ginagawa mo ito dahil mahal mo ako.

Ang sakit mo naman po magmahal, Mommy.

I love you. I'm doing this not because I do not love you anymore. I simply don't want to hate you. That's why I want to cut off some ties. I'm sorry.

Rest assured, I'll do my best to make you proud po! Kahit parang hindi naman po mangyayari. Hehe.

I love you. Sorry. I love you.

Please do not look for me anymore po. Please pursue what will make you happy too. You are finally free from the constant reminder of your misery, Mom.

I love you. Sorry. I love you. There is no rooms for hatred.

All love,
Philomena Gracia