In Denial | Alex Turner

XLIV

Alex's POV:

I'm not sure if I should show you what I've found
Has it gone for good?
Or is it coming back around?
Isn't it hard to make up your mind?
When you're losing and your fuse is fireside...

I stepped back from the microphone, letting everyone else in my headphones break into the instrumental part as I bumped my head to the beat and swallowed, looking down at my feet.

"That's it! That was great!" the guy behind the console exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "All it needs now is mixing," he added as I took the big headphones off and placed them around the microphone stand stood in the middle of the studio room.

There it was, the song describing what I felt the best, despite me never being able to speak about it. That's what I'd been doing for the past months anyway, writing everything down, and producing songs as means of distraction.

Every worry of mine, every question that'd been left unanswered, and every confession were all combined into that song. The worry that she might never come back, that she might never escape my mind, and decide to stay there for long after, was torturing me in every way possible. 

Was the train carrying the attraction we shared still on the road? Was it coming back to pick us up? Or had it been out of service already? Maybe it was just lost in the pitch black atmosphere, and was soon preparing itself for a comeback. But I wouldn't know.

"Al? Yer with us, mate?" Jamie nudged my shoulder, snapping me out of my thoughts. I was sat on Miles' couch, with him sat just across us on an armchair, and Jamie sat right beside me.

"Hm? Yeh, sorry, just zoned out," I exhaled a laugh. "What were you talkin' 'bout?" I half-smiled, waiting for an answer, but they just looked at each other worriedly.

"Nothin', I was just saying I was leavin' and was wonderin' if you needed a ride or summat," Jamie replied, and I 'oh'd.

"Nah, it's okay, I'll stay a bit more, I'll get a cab back or something," I dismissed with a wave of my hand, and he nodded.

"Right, then, I'll see you both at the studio tomorrow, eh?" he smiled, and we nodded, before Miles stood up and walked him outside, leaving me behind sat on his black couch as I fidgeted with my pinky ring.

"Alreyt, what's wrong with yer, Al?" Miles' voice echoed through his huge living room, making me snap my head back up and leave my pinky ring alone.

"What are you talkin' about?" I knitted my eyebrows together and exhaled a nervous chuckle. He took his seat on the armchair again and sighed, interwining his fingers together.

"You've been like that for months now, mate, maybe you need to talk about it with one of us," he stated, bringing Nick's words from a week ago back in my mind.

"Reyt, did Jamie tell you to say that before he left or-"

"No, Al," he sighed heavily, not even letting me finish. "We're all worried about you, it's pretty fuckin' clear you haven't moved on yet," he added.

I paused, looking at my lap as I clenched my jaw, trying to find the right words to speak. I bit my bottom lip and sighed, as I started fidgeting with my pinky ring once again, being reminded of how she used to take it away from me and wear it on her ring finger.

"Because that's easy, eh?" I chuckled, looking back up to see Miles' worried expression. He didn't respond, I nodded and swallowed.

"It's been hard, y'know that, mate," I exhaled, shrugging. "I just needed some time for meself," I added honestly, receiving a nod from him.

"We're just worried about yer, that's all, Al." he explained with a small smile.

I nodded and opened my mouth, as if I wanted to say something. I did want to say something. I wanted to say so much, I didn't know where to start.

"I just feel like that was the end of it," I spoke, making him tilt his head sideways a bit. "And it didn't even last long," I bit my bottom lip. "I had her, and then fucked up, like I always do," I shook my head.

"It's like a thing I do without realisin' when I get too close to someone; I back away. I try to find the slightest bit of an excuse to distance meself," I looked down on my lap again.

"You never really told us what happened at the dressing room," Miles recalled and I nodded.

"Elle called me — you remember Elle," I paused, looking at him, and he nodded, signalling me to continue. "Right, well, Elle called me, after I'd drank a bottle with Bel- Monica," I cleared my throat. "And she told me Monica was usin' us all, but mostly me — money, fame, and all..." I sighed. 

"Wasn't Monica there when she called?" he asked.

"No, she was at the bathroom," I replied almost instantly. I stayed silent for a second, "I couldn't think clearly, Miles, and I believed her. I unconsciously found the reason for the distance," I looked up at him. 

"It's not like I fuckin' wanted to find it, but I did," I exhaled a laugh. "I was just afraid I'd fuck it all up somehow, and I didn't want to hurt neither of us," I added.

"But you ended up doin' it anyway..." he finished for me, receiving a nod from me.

"I ended up trustin' Elle over her, yes," I rephrased and took a deep breath. "I miss her teasing," I trailed off, looking outside his window, admiring the LA view.

"You just miss her, in general," he chuckled, and I nodded with a nostalgic smile. 

"Anyway, erm," I cleared my throat, standing up and fixing the button-up over my shoulders. "I should go, I've got a shit tonne of things to do," I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter and put them in the pockets of my black coat. "I'm still tryin' to tidy everythin' up in the new house, y'know."

I watched him stand up as well, and I started walking towards the exit. I stopped in front of the door and turned around, looking at him. 

"Thank you," I mumbled honestly, and he broke into a smile, walking closer and hugging me tightly.

"I'm glad you talked about it," he mumbled against the fabric of my jacket.

"Right," I pulled away and smiled. "Good night," I waved at him, and he did the same before I walked outside and started walking down the road.

I put my hands in the pockets of my black coat, walking towards my new house. It was pretty close to Miles', so I just decided to walk and get familiar with the neighbourhood anyway.

It was pretty silent, which was understandable for a Sunday night. The only thing echoing around were just some laughs and dogs barking, accompanied by the sound of cars running up and down the street.

"Please, call me when you get to the hotel!" a red-haired woman yelled at her friend as she entered her house with the three others. Her friends laughed and she gave them a thumbs-up.

Her laugh seemed weirdly familiar, until she turned around and I finally saw her face.

"Alex?" she smiled widely as we walked closer to each other.

"Ingrid? No way!" I laughed as she pulled me in for a hug.