Angels

Broken

After rain I was not feeling the best. I had a slight cold and my voice also became little hoarse.

Jonghyun was feeling better but I cannot say same about myself. When I saw him getting better I isolated myself more and more, getting ready that he would leave me soon that he was now better and okay.

Every moment I was just imagining different scenarios of how he would tell me he wanted to stop being friends or in our language- each other's persons and just leave. Walk out of the door and leave me in the darkness again.

For the first time after my attempt of suicide I was out of breath and couldn't focus. I was having attacks. I tried to make no noise and drink medicine which I haven't touched for a long time but still always had with me.

The moment I took and drank them I fell on the bed and went off to the darkness where my deepest demons live.

Did you know that, one exploring its mind with hypnosis can drive them crazy? To explain it we have demons in our head which our mind created and seeing them can trigger us more than we think so.

Every once in a while if not everyday I was seeing these demons which wanted to devour me and kill me. Trigger me and put me in the darker place. Jonghyun at some point helped me to stop them by just being there for me and even climbed out of it a little. He was like a lucky charm that helped you. I believed that once I would reach the top of this hole I would be happy person and free from any other disorder I've developed till now.

I woke up to see him hugging me and waiting for me to wake up.

"You are here" I whispered and get a relief. I was happy that he remembered me and was here, next to me, hugging me and just there for me.

All my thoughts that I had before about him forgetting me went out of the window because he somehow heard my concerns and proved me wrong.

"Of course I'm here, I'm not planning leaving you when you are struggling" he mumbled and closed his eyes,

I had a feeling he would leave me at some point but now was not really the time.

As good as he looked he also seemed hollow and just weak overall. I made sure both of us ate lot healthy food but he still lost some weight. Sometimes I wanna just look into his brain and see what goes into it.

"Let's go back tomorrow"

And I just noddded my head since I never break promises. If he want to go back he should, afterall im here because of him and me.

After he opened door to his house it seemed like no one has been living here for years and someone died. It had eerie aura but knowing that he was here and lived here made me drawn to the depths of the rooms.

I unconsciously went to the room him and I painted and felt better. I lacked this.

If thsi trip was good for him it exhausted me. Thoughts and voices were too much. I couldn't even shut them out but when I was here everything seemed to be going well. I felt like I could laugh and smile again without wanting to cry.

I missed this place. I didn't even have this feeling for my house. I wasn't even able to call it home. But I can call this place home.

I sat in the corner where I felt the most comfortable and looked at the room from there. Everything looked so different from this angle and sofas or new musical instruments he brought in this room looked like heavenly items. Even the lamp he bought for me to read here while he practiced his skills was glowing.

I fell asleep calmly until noise from outside didn't wake me up. It was them shouting at each other and one of them screaming how worried he was about him.

Even if this was quarrel from worry and love it triggered me. I vividly could see how my father was coming closer to me with his stick to hit me and then those leather belts or ropes he tied me with so he could hit me harder with no problems. All the creaming and swearing he would do and laughs from pleasur eof hurting me. Pushing me to the ground and sometimes almost choking me. Somehow after I was born everything went downhill for him and he blamed everything on me. I was 4 and he would tell me I was biggest regret or mistake in his life.

Mum would just sit there and watch. Would scowl at me sometimes and watch me scream. All the scenes I've ever been hurt flashed right into my eyes, not able to see anything else until someone shook me harshly. I screamed from horror and started to beg not to hurt me until I felt really known touch. Touch which called me down and was the only one which could feel this warm sweet and caring.

"Mariam!" I shut my eyes and after I opened them Jonghyun was sitting in front of me catching my hands which always automatically grabbed my hair and sometimes even ended up pulling them out. He had horror and worry written on his face and I knew I was screaming and crying because wetness on my face and soarness in my throat said it all

Kibum was watching me shocked and rest were just scared and panicking what to do.

"I can't breathe" I let it out as a whisper and Jonghyun instantly gave me medicine and hugged me. I hear show he told boys to go out but I couldn't feel anything anymore. I was too numb.

A/n: I tried to make "Mariams" childhood clear to some and what I meant in the first chapter as in abuse.

I have never gone through something like this so I hope I wrote down and explained every emotion well. Sorry if it is not the way it actually is.

I've been feeling down lately and not really motivated to write so I'm sorry.