Angels

Love

After his recordings were done he had group activities to do and we were everything but humans. Robots, mechanicals engines. At this point we didn't think what we were doing but did it automatically. It hurt, thinking about this but we can't do anything about it. When depression takes toll on you... you can't do anything but suffer.

But I wasn't letting him suffer alone, if that even helped him a little. I was going everywhere he did and helped him in things I could do so.

But his condition was worse every day. He would get anxiety attacks right before the stages and panic attacks in his sleep. I was always on guard around him because every little thing triggered him.

Finally whole month passed in the mental torture of his. My heart was weakening every time I saw his tears and heard his sobs. But as much as I was hugging him tight to try to calm him down it wasn't working.

Finally after sobbing everything out he was able to sleep, but sleep wasn't peaceful either

It was around 10th December already. Not as busy as before but slowly getting ready for 3rd  Christmas and new year with him. 2018 was coming as fast as it could and somehow I was excited for it this year.

What are you doing Jjong? I saw him in his black hair and tee laying on his bed as he was looking at his phone.

"Im thinking about going live"

"Then do so. Your fans must've missed you so much! Go on"
I laid just next to him on my side and watched as he was talking about his day and pretty much everything that happened. He even answered some of the questions Shawols asked but for some reason he said goodbye dozens of time. After he finished it I hugged him tightly and put my ear on his heartbeat.

It was not his normal heartbeat but faster, way faster than any before. "Are you worried about anything?"

"No, why?" He answered as he slightly turned on his side as well and embraced me, his one hand was under my head and another petted me on my head. There was practically no air between us but I still wanted to hug him tighter and feel all his pain that his body was carrying.

The next day he took me out to an amusement park, it was freezing outside but in the fun we had we slowly warmed up, after that day he took me to the forest up the mountain and we spent most of our night watching the stars, the day next after that we tried out parachute and jumped of off a high cliff. It was amazing feeling and as scared as I felt screaming was very much calming. While we were up in the air I looked at  Jonghyun "Jonghyun!" I screamed, "What is it?" He screamed back "I love you! Thank you!" I screamed on top of my lungs as he laughed and screamed back "I love you too!"  Maybe it's a small memory but it's also very meaningful for me.

On 14th December we stayed at home since it was hella freezing outside and binge watched every horror movie possible. We were screaming and later at night even slept with the lamp on but it was fun. Jonghyun even threw popcorn at the tv! Day after that he looked at me and asked me to go with him to Namsan tower which of course I agreed to.

"Why are we here?" I asked as I rubbed my hands and blew on them

"I want to lock a lock here with you. Is that fine?" He looked at me.

"Of course dummy" he got one of the prettiest lock, it had a heat shape, was white and had white diamondish sparkles around the shape.

We decided to write on it relationship of Mariam and Jonghyun which is as pure as the love in fairytales.

"Are you sure about that " I laughed as I drew 2 small hearts and locked it with him on the bridge.

"Oh come on everyone should know how close we were!" He laughed and threw the key away. "But like don't come back here if I ever hurt you and don't break the lick please " he jokingly laughed and shook his head.