Angels

Did

I had to stay at hospital for about 2 months since I had to recover from eating disorder as they named it. Thanks goodness they didn't go through my whole medical record. I would have to stay here more than just a year. Maybe my whole life.

But it felt more than just 2 months. I haven't had seen Jonghyun since. The other boys saw me everyday and also told me he was doing fine which I didn't believe. It feels weird but every time I think of him I can "see" what he's doing but every time they visited me after seeing him all I could see was him crying and sitting in the corner, as he was shaking violently and covered his ears, to block the voices but in vain. They never shut up.

After I got discharged I went directly to his house and I didn't even knock.

I went inside the studio room and saw him sitting exactly as I imagined. In the corner, crying, covering his ears.

I hugged him as I was unable to tell him anything. I started humming "Diphylleia grayi" I hummed because every time I hard voices I would stop doing anything and listen to his songs. They helped me the most. And I thought if they help me it might help him too. It was more than an hour that I was here hugging him ambit I don't think he even realized I was real or felt anything.

"M-mariam?" He whispered as he looked at me, shaking while breathing with mouth, cheeks stained with tears and red eyes.

"Yeah. I'm here. I'm fine. Stop crying." I brushed his messy hair with my fingers. And cleaned his stained face with my thumbs. I kissed his forehead as I felt how hot he was to the point he was burning like fire.

He had fever from worrying.

I slowly dragged him to the couch we had in studio and ran around the house to find anything possible to decrease his fever.

As I was wiping his arms, neck and forehead with cold towels I whispered "you see. I think we are equal now. We think it's our fault that other person is suffering right now. So stop worrying. My butterfly doesn't really mean much. I hadn't had cut after I met you and I think that an achievement for me. But I think it also shows how dependent I am on you. And I think that's gonna destroy one of us first. Sleep now and get well okay?" And I stayed up whole night.

My insomnia got worse at hospital. I wasn't even able to sleep for a minute for days until nurses found out about that and then I had to pretend that I was sleeping.

But it doesn't matter. I'm here now. With him.

Whole night he was talking in his sleep. But mostly inaudible things and half of them didn't even make sense.

When he woke up his fever had went down but I forced him to eat soup and for now shut up.

He was sitting in his bed now as I was feeding him. He was painfully quiet.

As I placed bowl and spoon next to the bed he caught my arm which he has been looking at most of the times.

He caressed my already broken butterfly and kissed it as his tears left his eyes and fell on my butterfly. "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I shouldn't have left you alone. I perfectly knew you were t peace only with me but I was blinded for some reason. I'm sorry." And he hugged my arm and continued crying.

It was uncomfortable position as I wasn't really able to hug him well but I tried. "For me what matters is that you were happy with her. Even if it was for a moment. I wouldn't die because I promised you. "

A week passed after it but he was still distancing himself but bad for him, I was following him everywhere.

He was mostly at company. Its strange to think that we have known each other only for a year and some months when it felt like I have met him long time ago and we have been together. Even in our 3 previous lives if possible.

"He still isn't talking to you I see" Onew sat next to me while grabbing a water bottle and chugging it down in one go. They were practicing some new dance for new song and album and they were practically living in this studio. (When I had chance I always opened window because it stinks in here)

"Yeah. He cannot forgive himself. As confused I am why he is like this, I also understand him if of course this makes sense."

"It makes sense. You see even if we have been with him longer, you know him better than any of us. You two are more alike than any of you think so. But give him time. He always hated himself"

"It's not only hate. It's more than that. He believes what people say but then tries to hide them from everyone and scream at those beliefs. But in vain of course. He thinks he's ugly, has bad voice and is horrible person but all I see is angel with gifted voice who just needs help. I admit it. I am in love with him. I do love him I know but I can't explain this feeling, since I've never felt it before. " I sadly smiled and leaned on the wall.

"Hello" blonde, slim girl came in bowing to everyone. She was tall and petite. And not to mention... she was stunning. She was really beautiful.

I saw her and Jonghyun talk a bit before he signed me to go to them. "Meet Sulli. Sulli this is Mariami, Mariam this is Sulli. I hope you will become good friends."

"Nice to meet you" she smiled brightly at me and hugged me, out of confused i shuttered and also did the same.

"You are really beautiful" I whispered as I saw her eyes watering, she smiled brightly at me as she whispered thank you.