Angels

Need

After concert period ended he went back to writing. He told me that he was very, very close to coming to an end and finishing it, to be honest I couldn't wait for time to read it. To get to know him more and his inner world.

These days his condition got worse... more complexed he feels are, more he tries to shut out from me but I hope I'm not letting go of him completely. Every night he wakes up screaming and crying and then we talk a little drink herbal tea and try to sleep again. But... it's not enough. 

Whole night I'm watching him and how he sleeps. From worrying I have no will to sleep. Insomnia came back and I can barely sleep for a minute.

Well....He doesn't know that. Fortunately.

I don't leave his side at all... I'm that scared. Even when he showers I sit next to curtain and talk to him. When he writes I'm also in studio trying to read any new book I liked. 

"Jonghyunaaah" Kibum shouted and came in the room. "Hello Mariam! How are you?"

"I'm fine" I smiled briefly and excused myself to the kitchen.

While drinking water I broke down crying. I covered my mouth to quiet down my sobs. I hid behind the counter in the corner and sobbed quietly.

"Shh" someone hugged me but it wasn't the usual, familial hug. "Why are you crying?" Taemin whispered and wiped my tears.

"It's nothing. I'll be fine soon. Don't tell Jonghyun a word." I cloutched his sleeves and lowered my head, imagining it was him i was talking to and not Taemin, 'take deep breathes, yes, see we are both calming down! Put your hand on my heart, can you feel how its beating? ' I remembered every word he has ever used to calm me down but somehow it was still not enough. I needed him and not my imagination.

"Taemin what are you doi-" Jonghyun started talking but after he saw me on the floor he lost words and froze at one spot before rushing to me. "Why the hell did not you call me? Are you crazy? Get me her medicament box right now!" he spoke in higher tone than he usually did and he had anger and worry on his face. 

"Don't be angry at him, I asked him to not tell anyone" I forced out the words and felt how my lungs were closing, mind getting foggy and getting cramps all over the body. My body stopped functioning and I couldn't control it. Taemin came back and Jonghyun forced some pills down my throat. After some time i relaxed and leaned on the cupboard. 

"Taeminah? Sorry for trouble. Also i have to talk to him and can you leave us alone?" he nodded and put his hands in denim trousers pockets. "I do not want to worry you," I slowly started while taking deep breaths and reminding myself to calm down. He opened his mouth to say something but i shut him up, "No, listen to me. You have been thinking and worrying enough these days, I do not want to be burden to you. You think I cannot notice that? Maybe it's the book you are writing and you are trying to understand your charachters thoughts, but I do not want to feel like you are alone and no one around you worrys about you or even supports you. I know you think you were not born to be a star but you are my star, shining in the darkness when sun, moon and other stars left me, you turned up and shined in my life. I want to see you shining always, in any way! I am worried about you Jonghyunah. Every day you are retreating into yourself and shut me out. I am scared you will leave me and I won't be able to hold onto you anymore. I am scared I might lose you forever, I am scared..." I took a big breath in, as it was getting harder to breathe while crying, "You do not see yourself, every day you eat less than previous day and at night scream more and more. And I am scared because i do not know what to do, I hate myself for that but i cannot stop it. I want to ask you to open up to me and tell me your worries but i know you are not ready for that. I do not want to lose you" and i let out the sob that i have been holding in for so long. Pearly tears were streaming down my cheeks as i tried to look at him directly in eyes, but it was getting blurry and only thing i could see was his worried face, furrowed eyebrows and slighlty parted lips. If once he had slightly chubby cheeks and dark pink lips now it was hollow and pale.