A Court of Death and Retribution

chapter 9

I had nothing here. I took everything with me to the Day Court.

I kicked the ashes of my old fire pit and watched as the gray bits fluttered like feathers on a phantom wind. Next, I took one of the half burned logs and hit it against the wall with all of my strength.

But the log didn't even making it to the wall before it withered and died in my hands.

I choked on a sob and covered my mouth tightly. So tight that my teeth started to hurt. My broken and frustrated crying echoed off the walls. I gasped for air as I pulled my hand away and got on my hands and knees, unable to stand on my own two feet.

The cold ground bit into the palm of my right hand and scared away the warmth that was building. I finally collapsed to the side and pulled my legs tight to my chest as I cried.

I cried for my mother.

For what I did to her.

Eventually my sobbing settled to hiccups as I fiddled with the onyx gem around my neck. My eyelids became too heavy to lift, and I drifted off into a heavy slumber.

—

When I woke the next morning, it felt as if the abyss had spread to my head. I couldn't smile or move my eyes and I didn't want to. I just wanted to lay here until the Mother comes to claim me and take me wherever the dead go.

I would hope to see my mother there, but I know that would be a privilege that I did not deserve.

I killed her.

I would go somewhere awful.

So that's why I sat up. I was more afraid of where I'd end up after death than anything in this world. Maybe that makes me a coward, but I don't give a shit.

I wiped the dried tears and snot from my face and breathed in deep and calming breaths until the abyss was out of my head. It took all day. I sat there all day until I could feel again.

I felt bad for leaving Nyx like that. He had gotten me out of that forest and I ran from him. I suppose I had a reason to. We barely knew each other and I was about to have a panic attack right there in his kitchen. I killed the fucking log here, who knows what I could've done to that beautiful house.

The night sky had appeared out of nowhere. Or maybe I just hadn't moved my head until now. A gentle wind whistled through the underside of the bridge and danced in my black curls.

I smiled at that.

The breeze dried my face of any tears that had escaped me unknowingly. The act made me shiver and my skin pimpled. I hugged my knees to my chest as I became lost in the black of the night sky.

It reminded me of the power I obtained from Rhysand.

Groaning, I stood from the ground. Every bone in my body seemed to ache and my joints popped as I moved, but it felt good to stand. On shaky legs I wandered out from under the bridge, not bothering to pick up my wings.

They dragged on the gravel, but the pain was only a small sting compared to the ache in my chest.

I must have looked incredibly haunted based off of the stares I was receiving from passing Fae. The streets of Velaris were humming with activity tonight, but all I needed was to feel again. Completely.

My wings continued to drag behind me as I came to a stop in front of a group of musicians playing in the street. I smiled at them, but I wish I could do more to help them. Their music was what pulled me out of my depression after my mother. It's what lifts my mood when my hunger causes me to be a raging bitch. It fills my hollow heart when I need a friend.