Understanding You *Completed*

Twenty Eight

Jocelyn felt betrayal run deep within her body as she eyed Miles' joyful expression. "Can we have a second, Mandy?"

Miles' body took on a ridge nature as he noticed Jocelyn's expression. Mandy hesitated before announcing she'd be in the lobby if they needed anything.

"I'm so-"

"That was not your decision to make." They began speaking at the same time before Miles silenced himself to allow her to finish.

"Well it's not like you were any more careful. We both agreed multiple times to unprotected sex." He spoke as he sat back in his chair.

"Yes, without alternative motives. I knew there was a chance I could get pregnant, you planned for it. There's a stark difference there Miles." Jocelyn explained how she'd felt.

She knew they'd both unconsciously agreed to the idea that she could become pregnant as a result of their actions; however, to know he'd specifically planned for her to become pregnant turned the situation on its head.

"I'm sorry, okay? I just..." he blew a harsh breath before placing his head in his hands.

Jocelyn allowed her body to fall back into the bed as she further internalized the gravity of the situation.

"A-are you going to keep it?" Miles questioned after a prolonged moment of silence.

"I shouldn't," she began, "but yeah."

"I understand if you don't want to. It's your body and you're entitled to that autonomy regardless of how I feel." Miles grabbed her hand.

"How the hell am I going to raise a child on my own Miles?" Jocelyn cried as she quickly sat up to eye him.

He opened his mouth to offer her a response but closed it as he realized there was no solution. Miles would die and she'd be left on her own regardless of whether the two wanted it or not.

Tears stung her eyes and she threw her legs off the bed to stand in front of him. Selfish words sat on the tip of her tongue and burned her throat as she swallowed them away.

"I'd like to be alone." She muttered as she realized how delicate she'd have to speak to keep from escalating things.

"Jocel-"

"Miles, please give me a moment alone." Holding her hand out, she stopped him from touching her again. A defeated expression washed over his face before he nodded slightly and left the room.

Once alone, Jocelyn pushed the pillow to her face and screamed as loud as her body could produce. Hot tears soaked the fabric and caused it to stick to her cheeks as she screamed each harsh word she'd been thinking.

Her body acted on its own as she began hitting the bed as hard as she could. The increased beeping of her heart monitor irritated her even more as she threw the pillow across the room.

"Ms. Major! Calm down, please." Her nurse entered the room, her hands spread in an attempt to stop the woman's angry actions.

"How is it fair? What about me?" Jocelyn couldn't stop the words from spewing as she struggled against the woman's grip.

"He gets to abandon me here with this child? He gets to choose best for himself while I have to continue on like I'm okay? How is it fair?" She cried as she felt her emotions boil over.

"You're hormonal, Jocelyn. You don't mean that, just lay down." The woman spoke softly as she rubbed Jocelyn's arms. The smell of her floral perfume made Jocelyn feel sick.

"No, no! My feelings are just as valid." She pulled from the woman's grip. "I should have a say because he affects my life too. This affects me too but no one cares!"

"Of course we care. No one said you cannot be upset, but you have to think about how he feels as well. People get tired of fighting all the time." The words made sense to Jocelyn yet her brain seemed unable to accept the fact.

"So what? I get left with this burden?" Jocelyn spoke immediately regretting the words as she noticed the woman's eyes fill with sorrow.

"I didn't mean that." Turning her head, she placed her hand to her forehead as she replayed her words. Although the root emotion behind them was true, she didn't know why she'd said them.

Jocelyn had counseled plenty of people on the power of speaking without thinking, yet here she was saying things she didn't mean. Although it hurt to know Miles wouldn't receive treatment, she knew it was ultimately his decision.

"I know you didn't. Come on, lay down." The woman smiled before leading Jocelyn back to her bed.

Once back in bed, she couldn't help feeling exhausted both mentally and physically. Her nurse wrote something down in the charts before heading for the door. "Don't be afraid to speak about how you feel, Jocelyn. Your feelings are valid too."

"Thank you." Jocelyn muttered as she watched her pull the door open.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there, sir." Turning, Jocelyn felt her blood run cold as Miles and her nurse exchanged pleasantries for a moment.

There would be no way he didn't hear her if he'd been outside her room this entire time. Sitting up, she felt panic settle deep within her stomach as Miles turned to her with a sad smile.

"Miles," Jocelyn muttered as she stood to approach him, "I didn't mean it."

"It's okay, you're right." He nodded as he looked down, a sniffle and clear of his throat letting her know he was holding back tears.

"No, I'm not. I'm hormonal and I should have thought about the impact of my words. I get it." Hurriedly she moved to stand before him, her hands holding his face.

"Enduring a terminal illness will take the fight out of the strongest men and at the end of the day, you're the one who has to bear that weight not me. Do I wanna punch you anyways? Yeah," they shared a chuckle as she finally confessed her feelings.

"But it's okay," she muttered, her thumbs stroking his face, "sometimes it's okay not to be strong and no one has the right to make you feel selfish for choosing yourself first. Miles, I love you and I cannot express how sorry I am for making you feel like your decision isn't valid."

Miles allowed his own tears to fall as he placed his hands over her own. Jocelyn could hardly get the words out as her throat attempted to close.

"And our baby's not a burden." Her voice dipped as she became choked up. "It's a blessing and a gift that will forever remind me of our time together."
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