Too Many Words to Say

Chapter 46

Whitney Houston's song "If I don't have you" played a big part in this chapter by way of inspiration. Here's a link to help show what I mean

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=lyricis+to+whitney+houstons+i+have+nothing.&docid=608046019193892637&mid=3E54B98840B9BF78C9303E54B98840B9BF78C930&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

Over the next couple of weeks, Allie began to plan her future.

She did a lot of thinking in those days immediately after Pete's visit. One day she had the radio on, listening to some old songs. One that made her realise exactly how she was feeling was Whitney Houston's song, "I have nothing." The words fitted perfectly with her feelings and helped to make further decisions about her future. Without him she had nothing, nothing was worth it if she couldn't share her life with him. He was her life. This realisation made her gasp. All those feelings she'd been denying, that she'd been afraid to face up to suddenly hit her like a ton of bricks. She had to do something, somehow sort this mess out.

First of all she made her peace with Cassie. She came to understand how great a burden she'd asked her to take on.

"I should never have asked you to promise that, I realise that now and I'm so sorry," she told her. She'd invited her round for a meal at her home and the two of them had spent several hours talking and crying over what had happened that morning at the clinic.

"I was only trying to do the right thing not just by you but by Howard as well," Cassie tried to explain to her. "I really did think that you were rushing things and that it should be a joint decision, both of you knowing exactly what was going on. I'm so sorry that it turned out as it has."

She told her of Howard's reaction, how he had gone back to her and Gary's house and had got steadily drunk that day only to repeat it several times over the following week. Allie realised then how badly she had hurt him. She had never heard from him since and he had never tried to see her or speak to her since that day. Cassie wasn't sure where he was. He'd sent Gary a text to say he was going away for a while, a mix of dj ing and holiday. He was going to start off in Ibiza and see what happened after that.

"We've not heard from him for a while now," Cassie told her. "It's coming up to about six weeks since he left."

Allie nodded thoughtfully. She was worried about him and hoped that he would be back soon so that she could try once again to speak to him. Although they had parted as they had, it was important that they talked it all through. She had even gone round to his house a few weeks ago, hoping that he would be there but understood now why there had been no answer.

"Let me know when he comes back won't you? There are a couple of meetings scheduled to take place and I'd like to talk to him first before they happen. It won't make for a good work atmosphere if we can't get some sort of agreement in place before then." She smiled half heartedly at Cassie. "I know I keep saying it and I know that I was the one to blame, but what a mess eh?"

Cassie promised to keep her updated. She knew that Gary was concerned about how they would progress with the upcoming band meetings.

"Maybe Allie had the right idea in the first place, about not mixing business with pleasure," he'd commented to Cassie one day. "It would have saved a whole lot of heartache for everyone."

"But who could have seen all this happening," Cassie had replied feeling sorry for her friends. "Hindsight is a wonderful thing"

"You still think that there's still a chance for them to work this out don't you?" he said. "Oh Cass, sweetheart, sometimes people reach a point where it can't be done, not with all the talking and goodwill in the world. I think that point has been reached with these two."

Two weeks after Cassie and Allie had met, Howard returned to London. He looked tanned, but still there was an air about him that he was not his usual self.

Cassie told him of her conversations with Allie and how she wanted to speak to him again. She told him that she was bitterly sorry for how things had turned out between them and wanted to talk. If they couldn't salvage their relationship then at least reach an understanding where they could be at least civil with each other so that the band could work happily together with the management team.

"What she wants again eh?" he'd muttered. "Always what she wants. And the rest of us have to just fall in with it! I don't know Cass."

Cassie told him of how she regretted what she had done and that she'd been totally in the wrong.

"To be honest Howard, I think she was scared and panicked. She didn't know what you wanted and she was afraid that you wouldn't want to commit to her and a family with her."

"She'd never know if she didn't talk to me about it. How could she make a decision like that on her own? Did I not have any say in the matter? Like I said at the time, my thoughts and feelings didn't really come into it. How could she just ignore me like that? We'd been getting along so well only a couple of days before. I'd spoken to her the night before and she never mentioned it, not a mention. To think she'd already made the arrangements for the next day. I still can't get over it. It hurt so much."

"Maybe it hurt so much because you thought so much of her. Maybe you still do deep inside. Going away for these past weeks hasn't made it better really has it?" she asked gently.

"Hmm." was his non comital answer as he turned away from her.

"So will you get in touch with her, go and see her?" she pushed hopefully.

"Don't know about that," he muttered, "Will have to think about it."

"Please Howard, if not for her then think of the rest of the guys and the future of the band."

"Don't hold that over me," he objected. "We can always get a new management. There are others around you know."

"But I wouldn't like to do that, not after all the work and success we've had with Norris and Marjie," said Gary. "They've been brilliant, looking after us for the last few years."

"Maybe," Howard replied, "just pointing out that there are other options."

"Please think about it" Cassie implored him. I think that you could still work things out with each other."

"Hmm" Howard replied, not really knowing what to say.

That night he decided to walk home as he tried to think things through. Cassie had been right about still having feelings for Allie. They ran deep but he was still hurting after all this time. Maybe that told him that it was going to be a long time for him to get over this, if ever. Perhaps there still was a chance for them.

He turned into the street where Allie lived. It was getting dark and many of the houses had lights shining from them. Her house was in total darkness, her car not there outside the house. He realised that it had been newly painted and that there was something outside her house, a sign. A for sale sign. His heart thudded in his chest. She was planning on moving away. That came as a shock, one that made him realise that they did need to talk