Hate Me | Eren Yeager

21. The Relapse

You lay still under the comfy bed covers, the quiet tv simply static in the back of your mind.

It feels like you're just living in a shell, you've receded so far back into your body that it's hard to tell what's real and what's just a memory of yesterday.

Every day is the same. Wake up at an unknown time midday, try to eat something, watch tv, sleep, drink something and cry, then sleep again.

How long has it even been since your mother passed away? A week? Two? Who knows. You've lost all sense of time.

The dim phone screen lights up with another text notification from one of your friends. You've been turning people away at the door, not answering texts and calls. You just want to be alone.

It's easier to feel pain on your own than to tell others about your suffering, so it's only a burden to you. Or maybe, because you don't know how to talk about your pain.

The phone screen goes black again, and you can see your reflection. Your eyes are empty and red from all the crying, and the lines under your eyes tell of the sleep you've been chasing.

Memories of you and your mother come at random times, but they're always there in the back of your mind. Memories of your mother rubbing your back when you were a sleepy child, of when she smiled at the drawing you made for her, even when she got mad or scolded you, any remnant helps to soothe your aching heart for even just a moment.

But then you remember, you never even got to say goodbye to her. She probably died thinking her daughter is going to be stuck in another unhappy relationship.

I'm sorry...

You turn your phone back on, slow to open the chain of unread messages from Mikasa.

Mikasa
Im really worried about you y/n please text me back or open your door
Please

You blink haggardly as you text a response, barely even noticing the tear falling down your numb cheek.

Me
I'm sorry

You sluggishly maneuver yourself to the bathroom, treading through dirty clothes and empty wine bottles.

You don't bother turning the light on, your hand reaching for the pill bottle of anti-depressants on the counter.

What if I just...

You put the bottle down and sigh

No

Knock knock

You turn your head to faint knocking on the front door. Guilt pangs your chest as you think about ignoring it, you've turned Mikasa away enough.

Your body feels heavy as you drag it to the front door, struggling to reach for the handle. It's not too late to ignore it, to turn her away again.

But no, you're not going to refuse her help any longer. Let her be your friend, cry on her shoulder like you always have before.

You turn the handle, breath hitching in surprise when you realize it isn't Mikasa behind the door.

Eren frowns down at you, sympathy apparent in his eyes. He's just wearing a white hoodie with black sweatpants today, but he still smells like expensive cologne, like he always does.

"Hey... I heard about what happened. Mikasa asked me to stop by, she thought you might open the door if..."

You don't say anything, you just stand there in the open door, looking off to the side.