epiphanies - sirius black

chapter 23

No one talked about the situation at dinner, to Maggie's relief.

She sat with the boys, but near Lily- who was sitting a little further down the table next to a very disgruntled Marlene.

"Ughh I love fish and chips" James said, filling his plate with a second helping of battered cod.

"Slow down James- you'll make yourself sick" Maggie laughed.

"You can't get sick of fish and chips- it's the law" Sirius added.

"Says who?" Remus asked, giving a very unimpressed look to Sirius from across the table.

"Monty" Sirius said casually.

"Who's Monty?" Maggie questioned- a bemused look on her face.

"My dad" James said, pulling a very over-the-top smile.

"And what Monty says is the law because it is" Sirius added with a smirk.

"Agreed" James said, before joining Sirius in a raised hand shake across the table, sending Maggie, Remus and Peter into a fit of eye rolls.

"What! It's true" Sirius said defensively, "He's been so great about me staying with them, taken me right under his wing"

"And he tells the best jokes" James smiled.

Maggie felt a slight twang in her stomach. Her father wasn't like that at all. Quite the opposite actually.

"So you're feeling better Mags?" Sirius asked.

"Huh?" Maggie said.

"I don't know, you just seemed so shaken up this morning?" Sirius replied.

Maggie froze up a bit, she wasn't expecting to be asked about this morning- hoping that it would be forgotten about- put in the past and they could just ignore it- pretend it never happened and then SHE could pretend it never happened and that everything was fine and that she was fine and-

"Mags?"

She looked up quickly.

"Oh- yeah sorry, bit lost in thought"

The four walked back too the Gryffindor common room together after dinner and talked for a bit, laughing in front of the fire.

Maggie waved good bye too Lily as she walked up too her dorm, earning yet another death stare from Marlene.

It was nice being around them. It felt comfortable, natural, though after a while Maggie became tired, she'd had a long day after all.

"I should probably be getting back too my dorm." Maggie said.

"Sure, I'll walk you" Sirius said.

"Sure" Maggie said, before standing up and brushing the creases out of her skirt.

She smiled and waved the others goodnight, before heading out of the common room with Sirius.

The two held light conversation on the walk too the Ravenclaw common room- chit chat, small talk.

It was nice, him walking her back. She wasn't sure why but, it felt like he was trying too protect her from something, like he was worried about her. It was nice too know someone cared.

Maggie had been thinking about Sirius a lot recently- and she wasn't sure why.

She kept thinking back too the way he had looked at her that day, the day they were sitting on the grass and Maggie tried her first cigarette. His eyes had been static in her mind for days, the grey in his iris' was poetic, romantic as though he was serenading her with a simple glance. She couldn't not think about it really. It would be cruel too put such beauty too waste.

But it wasn't just that, it was everything he did, even the way he had stroked her hand only hours before already seemed too be carved into the walls of her mind.

"Thanks for walking me" Maggie smiled too Sirius when they finally reached the Ravenclaw common room.

Sirius had insisted on walking up all the way too the top of the tower- despite Maggie's attempts of discouragement.

"Course" Sirius smiled back.

Maggie turned too open the common room, but felt a hand on her arm. It was firm but gentle.

Sirius turned her back around too face him.

"Mags wait"

Maggie looked at Sirius expectantly.

"Are you sure your okay, I mean, you seem okay but, I don't know, I feel like there's something wrong" Sirius questioned.

His face was fixed in a concerned position, his eyebrows furrowed in worry.

Maggie thought about telling him for a second. Thought about spilling her guts out too him right then and there like she had with Lily only early that morning, but something stopped her, perhaps it was her better judgment, or perhaps it was her fear of him hating her for who she was, for what she had done- or rather what she hadn't done.

Because for some reason that seemed worse. Because he had fought back- resisted the hate of the system they were both raised in, fought for the greater good.

But she had simply sat back and let the darkness engulf her. The hate, the lies, the pain. She had let it happen. And in some ways that was worse. Because it meant she was weak. It meant she was a coward. And she couldn't tell him that- she couldn't let him see her the way she saw herself.

So she just smiled and shook her head.

"I'm fine pads, I promise"

As she lay in bed that night, she felt bad about lying too Sirius.

It felt wrong. Like, morally wrong

Like the moon lying too the sun.

It just didn't sit right with her.

But she couldn't tell them.

Because she was scared, a coward.

They would hate her for everything, push her away, never speak too her again.

Atleast she would have Lily

But Marlene seemed to hate her, so she couldn't be around Lily all the time.

And so she knew what would happen eventually.

She would go back too being alone.

Like she had been forever.

But she just didn't think she could take it this time.

So she kept it in, even though keeping it in was killing her slowly, bit by bit each day.

Eventually there would be nothing left of her.

She would be nothing.

Just like she had always been.