ALL THE LOVE WE LEAVE BEHIND

Chapter 43

"What? What are you doing here?" All the drinks that I had gulped down suddenly seemed nugatory, because my throat felt like it had been parched for days - right in the midst of the Sahara Desert.

"I never RSVP'd to your invite, so I figured I'd give you an answer by coming in person."
He shyly uttered, but I wasn't about to be swayed in by his humor tactic, nor was his fitted shirt going to have any effect on me, and I was most certainly not about to fall head over heels for his unshaven beard- which undoubtedly made him appear sexier than he had ever been- but no. None of that was going to dull down my resentment for him.
"Dylan, what are you really doing here?"
I repeated my question, as I saw his expression change.
"I came here because I didn't like the way we left things."
He was honest, but one line wasn't going to cut it.
"Okay." I crossed my arms over my dress, tapping my heel on the grass.
"Say what you have to, then leave."
He wasn't taken aback by my obduracy, which made me think he expected it. But of-course, when you tell the person that loves you, that that love isn't enough to make you stay, you leave yourself in no position to demand a warm embrace.
"I don't want to start with an apology, because nothing I say is going to repair the wounds of what I said. The things I told you were awful, Blair. They were cruel, inconsiderate and lies."
"Don't." I cut him instantly.
"Don't make up stuff now."

"I'm not making anything up, Blair, please." His tone was hellbent on saying a lot more, but I couldn't digest another lie. I just couldn't.
"The things you said hurt Dylan, but at-least man up and admit that that's how you really felt."
I felt myself drowning, as I kept my voice low - there was still a party going on, and although we were at the corner of the entrance, there was still a crowd- and, where there's a crowd, there's always the possibility of drama.
"But they're not the truth." He pleaded, as I rolled my eyes.
"Then why would you say them?"
"Because I didn't want you to love me. I was afraid of Blair. I was afraid of messing it up. Messing us up." He didn't hold my hand, or act cliché by pulling me into a kiss. Instead, he remained firm, and at a distance, as I said what I needed to say, before hearing him out.
"You already messed us up. You ended things, and you can't go back."
"I don't want to go back. I just want you to listen." The next few words rolled down his tongue like poetry, as I braced myself for whatever was to become of my heartbreak- it would either deepen in the coming seconds, or stitch itself back into the delusions of love.
"I'm listening."
"I've never been in a relationship before Blair, you know that, and while that isn't an excuse for acting the way I did, I just couldn't help it. I was absolutely lost. One minute everything was fine, then the next it all hit me. All I could see, after I went to jail, was how this was going to impact you, how it was going to force you to make a choice between going back and staying with me. And while I know you would've chosen to stay with me- because that's what I would've done for you- I just couldn't let you make that kind of decision. It wasn't right."
My lips were so close to uttering the line, 'You don't get to make that choice for me,' but I held my feelings in, as he rendered on.
"So I said everything that would make you loathe me, despise our friendship, and never want to talk to me again, but what I didn't realize is that, Blair, in the process of trying to protect you from the storm I was trapped in, I ended up hurting you- and myself- so much more. Because as much as I want to stay away from you, I can't. I can't bring myself to, because I love you and I know that now."

There was no hesitation in his voice as he uttered those words, instead there was a fire of vehemence blazing in his eyes, that made me think I was experiencing the birth of a supernova.
"I love you, and I could barely even comprehend the meaning of those words before, because earlier, they held no meaning, they had no value in my eyes, they were just spoken by fools who believed in romance and pragma."
I wanted to oppose, but he continued on.
"But when it came to you, I realized that I was right. Love is something that fools undertake because they think that they understand its meaning, when they don't. No one understands it, no one knows what it does to you, because it can break you, but it can also mend you in ways that you never imagined were possible. Love isn't something that a human being can put into words, because it's an incomprehensible concept - which while does sound enigmatic and scary, is also surreal if you just catch it in time.
Love is not fancy dinners or red roses Blair, love - love for me- is about stumbling through life with your best friend - someone who sees what others don't in you, someone who pushes you to be a better person every day, someone that you can't get enough of, someone that you've subconsciously memorized every detail about, from that crease that forms in their eyebrows when they scowl, to the reactions they have to the littlest inconveniences."
He tried not to smile, as I fixed my frown, while his voice softened like melted butter being spread on toast.
"It's the cutest crease I've ever seen, Blair. Everything about you is mesmerizing, and if I've been fortunate enough to fall in love with my best friend, then I don't want to lose that. I can't go through life without having you in it, without us getting tired of each other's schedules during the day, but then burning the exhaustion out at night. And it isn't going to be easy, Blair. I'm going to fall, over and over, and I'm going to make mistakes - so many mistakes- but I need you there, I need you to catch me when I fall, and I want to be the one that catches you, when you tumble down.
If you didn't make my heart stop the way it did every-time I see you, then I'd be in a much saner state, because trust me, it would make my life so much easier. I wouldn't be making irrational decisions like beating up a guy or flying halfway across the world just because my body refuses to sleep without you by my side. Blair, you've taken over every bit of my mind, and now it doesn't know how to function without you. There's a way that only you make time stop, only you make every single problem go away just by being there, the way only your smile lights up a room, and it takes my breath away every single time I experience it. I love you, Blair Anderson. I love you so much it hurts, and I'm an absolute idiot to have ever thought I'd have the strength to let you go., because I can't, and if that makes me weak or selfish, or both- then so be it, but I can't stay away. I won't stay away."
It took me an entire minute to digest the statuesque of his words. It enthralled me to let my guard down, to once again make my walls break, to see his blazing fire as warmth and not destruction, to see his lips as affectionate and not venomous, to see his devotion as a sign of honesty and not deceit, and had Zain not have given me the advice he did just a few moments ago, I would have fallen to Dylan's feet.
"Dylan."
My voice was flakey as I rehearsed the dialogue in my head, and begged my eyes not to tear up while I gave my verdict.
"I love you too." I whispered, as his eyes lit up as though a billion fire flies had entered the room.
"But I can't be with you."
I knew it broke him. It was the same ache that I felt when he left me, and I knew the sting would stay with him, because it stayed with me, but I had to do it- not for the sake of vengeance, but for the sake of my sanity- and his.
"You are indecisive. You can't be double minded with me. You left me in a gray area, where I was forced to believe that everything we had was nothing more than a fling to you, where I was a burden, and you were just fulfilling your obligations by letting me stay. I felt worthless, Dylan. You made me feel despicable, unlovable as if I was forcing you into this- like this whole time I was calling the shots, and you were this helpless human being that couldn't say no. You made me feel like I was one of your charity cases- I had just been through hell, so you took me in, but the second I was fixed, you decided to unravel the truth, which was that this was all a charade."
I controlled the tear that escaped my pupil, as I held my hand, so he wouldn't interrupt- even though his face gave away that he so desperately wanted to.
"And even if what I say isn't true Dylan, even if you did really love me, you still let me believe that you didn't. You let me feel a certain way, and then you took it all away from me. All you had to do after our fight was explain things to me, tell me what it was that was bothering you so much, and I would have forgiven you then and there, but you didn't. You kept me in a lurch, in the dark, and I was a fool because I believed that you were the one person that would never ever do that to me. I thought you knew how much agony it caused me when people did that. I thought you knew. I thought you knew me, but you didn't. You didn't, and you don't- and I can't put myself in a position where someone- especially you, because you have the power to hurt me like no one else- I can't let myself go through that again. I can't lose my mind and my life over this. I just can't."
"I won't let that happen again, Blair." He cut in, as I paused for air, but instead of inhaling the oxygen in, I stopped midway to continue saying what I needed to say.
"Can you honestly promise me that? That you'll never lose your temper again? Never lash out? Never hurt me or yourself again? You can't. You just can't, and even if you do, I don't think I have it in me to believe you.'' I yelled with a moderate tone- loud enough for him to understand that this is what I wanted, but also mellow enough to not attract any attention.
"And one more thing." My lips exhausted themselves as I pointed out.
"We're teenagers, Dylan, so who the hell even gave us authority to pull on someone's heart strings till they're void of any hope? Who allowed us to destroy their entire perception of life, with just a few measly words? Who gave us that supremacy? You think you understand love, you don't. You only know the pretty side of it, and I did too- till I found out that the ugly parts- what comes after love- is just too much to bear, and I have a friendship with you Dylan, that I believe is so much more powerful than this. I don't want to lose that over something as petty as this."
The flame in his eyes cooled down, as it was forgiven with water, but I didn't blame him for slightly tearing up, because by this time, my face was flooded with a river itself.
"I'm sorry Blair. I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to protect you from everything. I never ever wanted to put you through any pain."
For the first time in the 5 years that I had known him, not once had he swallowed up his words the way he did right now, but I didn't want him to be taken down by this, I didn't want vulnerability to get the best of this. That wasn't the intention, so cutting off my disciplinary distance for only a second, I cupped his cheek in my palm as the warmth of his tears brushed onto my skin.
"You don't have to be sorry, Dylan. You're still the most important person in the world to me."
I whispered, as our bodies grew closer to each other, making our noses rub, while our lips sucked in the air through our invisible barricade. You know how the couple urges to kiss each other- even just once- in 5 feet apart, but is unable to, because there's a chance they may lose their life? That is what this felt like.
However, our moment only lasted a few minutes, before we were interrupted by a crowd of people that forced us to split apart and acknowledge the fact that we were still at a gathering.
"What's the lovely couple up-to? I thought you two had broken up."
Lauren blatantly stated, as the two of us rubbed off our tears and fake smiles of laughter.
"Mhm. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"
Dylan was quicker than me, to change back to his flirty attitude, as he pulled my sister in a hug.

"Don't toy with me Dylan. I'm getting married."
She flaunted her diamond ring, as she introduced Dylan to Zain, who I could tell was confused by Dylan showing up here- it was fine though, because I was sure once I spilled the beans to Lauren, she'd forward it to Zain.
"Anyway. You missed most of the fun." Lauren pointed out, as Dylan shrugged.
"Yeah, well. I ran here as soon as I got off the plane. I can't help it if I don't have rabbit feet."
His comment made me look up in wonderment.
There was no way he came directly here after an 8-hour journey! Not to mention the hour it would take him to go through custom, get a cab and everything else. Did he even meet his parents? Did they know he was here?
The questions flooded my mind, but I couldn't ask them right now, and so I stayed silent while Lauren did most of the talking. It was only when she mentioned him staying over that I clicked back into reality and blurted out a 'what?'
"Stay for game night."
Lauren gave me an impish glare, as I stared right back at how she could even allow this? She was supposed to be on my side!

"I don't know if that's a very good idea."
Dylan tried to decline, but Lauren was persistent.
"Nonsense. It's my engagement night, so I call the shots. Besides, we have an extra bedroom, so you'll be able to sleep comfortably, and in any case it's Blair's last night here, so I want it to be unforgettable." She winked, as I grumbled in frustration.
"Okay. Whatever you want."
Dylan chuckled as I gave both of them a demanding glare.
"Great. Then it's settled." She squealed like a little girl, as she dragged her fiancé for one last dance, leaving me and Dylan in absolute disbelief.
"Truce for tonight?"
He broke the ice as I rolled my eyes at him.
"I already said, we're still friends."
I graced the denier silk line of formality as I bit my lip and stepped away before we could converse towards something less restraining.