ALL THE LOVE WE LEAVE BEHIND

Chapter 51

The remainder of the week was monotonous as I spent every minute of every day, and night in the hospital. The staff was hesitant to let me back in at first, given that I hadn't exactly left the best first impression. The receptionist lady even went as far as calling me mental, as I scoffed at her. I knew she was a swine from the start. I just didn't think she was a nightmare either. Still, she barely had any say in the matter, and Esther ended up talking to the medical team, who, after careful consideration, let me visit him more often- and by that, I mean practically live with him.

It really was not easy. I was missing my classes- I hadn't attended one art class, and while the uni knew I wasn't in the best state, they had given me a warning, which I understood, but couldn't bring myself to take seriously. My mother was helpful in all of this, as she texted me, comforted me, and heard me weep in the middle of the night, as I howled over the phone. She even told me to come home for a while, but I couldn't. I made a stupid promise the second day that I wasn't going to leave Florida unless he was coming with me, and that wasn't going to happen unless he opened his eyes.

Maya too had checked in on me, and it was nice talking to her- she had been through something similar, and while it didn't make my situation any less durable, it did comfort me when she said it'll get better. There were even flowers sent for him- not only from Maya, but from Alyssa, Noah, Chuck- the entire gang, along with a couple other friends from his University that I didn't know about. I liked it though, knowing that he had love. I hoped it would make him come back, but so far, it hasn't.

"Hey." I hugged Lexi, as I walked into our dorm to get my third pair of clothes this week- yes there were days when I wore the same thing. I couldn't care less about it- no one really admired you in a hospital.

"Hey."Lexi pressed my arm, as I could tell she was happy to see me. We hadn't interacted ever since the accident- and it was all my fault."How are you?"

"I'm good." I smiled, as I addressed my problem.

"I'm sorry that we haven't gotten a chance to talk."

"Blair." She held my hand, making it clear that she knew. She always knew. "I know and don't worry, it's okay. But please, sleep here tonight. It'll make you feel better."

Yup. That's why I was avoiding her.

"I can't. I'm sorry."I exhaled, like a dreadful sloth."When I can. I promise you I will. I just can't tonight."

"You say that every night." She let my hand go, as she left the room.

A part of me wanted to go after her, but the other part just said not to. I know she was worried about me, and had every right to be. But leaving Dylan wasn't something I was ready to do right now. I was already having anxiety after the anxiety attack at the hospital- I had a private room to rest in so no one saw- but they were bad. And that was when I was still in the same building as him, going away and being miles apart- I wasn't sure I could take that much anguish.

My eyes danced across the room as I spotted the difference between my side and Lexi's, just to dialect myself for a moment. Lexi's was neat, like really neat, while mine looked deranged. There was one thing I noticed out of place on my side though, and that was unopened mail. I sighed, as I went to pick it up, knowing Lexi had probably dumped it there so I wouldn't miss it.

There were two envelopes wrapped in a string- both addressed from Maya. I wasn't sure what it was, but it couldn't be bad news now could it? Besides, I could spend a few minutes inside, before showering and leaving for the hospital again. So, I hopped on the bed, crossed my legs, and ripped open the first one to see a file. It was laminated and by the dine print, I instantly recognised it as the certificate each volunteer gets- for the summer internship. Mine was written by Allysa, and by some miracle, it had nice things.

I guess she took pity on the girl who lost her boyfriend to fate. I almost caught myself smirking, but as if laughing were a crime, I clenched my jaw and took the smile back in.

I then diverted my attention to the second parchment sheet, which I should have definitely laid down for, because it wasn't what I was expecting. The back print labeled 'Dylan,' was enough to throw me back, but what I read inside entirely shoved me down.

Hey.

I don't know what the point of this is. Frankly, I don't understand the meaning behind even living anymore, but don't worry, this isn't a suicide note, nor is this a confession of my love for you. This is merely my way of telling you that you've won. You won Blair. You knocked on my heart strings, and they let loose as they got entangled in your fingertips, and now it seems to me like you've stretched them all the way to Florida.

4,386 miles huh? I don't think they can keep me away.

I'm still in Boston- but I don't want to get into that. Honestly, I've run out of words to say to you, and since I did sign our accord of staying just friends, I'll keep my word, and fill this letter with a story instead.

Do you remember when we first met? Party? Banging music? My tongue down a girl's throat? You get the idea. Do you also remember the part where you found me throwing up towards the end and practically nursed me back till I was okay- I have a confession to make. That night was one of the worst nights of my life- I mean besides the nausea.

I had just gotten into this insane fight with my dad, my mother was there too and for the first time she yelled at me. I was a kid- a stupid teen- and I didn't know any better so I lashed back. I verbally abused both of them to the point where my mother started to cry, and that's when my father lost it and left.

The two of them just got up and left. Now, a normal human being would apologize, maybe fret over it, but I didn't. I threw a grand party, got my first dose of booze- really not the best drink by the way. Vodka is always the way to go- and had my first kiss with someone's girlfriend. Yup! I became that guy. Not intentionally. I had hooked up with various girls before, but her- brunette or blonde I still can't recall- never told me she was in a relationship. That led to a lash out between me and one of the boys, and despite me apologizing for not knowing, he struck out, so I did too. It wasn't a very pretty end and he said spat out the words, kill yourself.

See that wouldn't have mattered to me, had my father not said those same words that exact same night. Thus, I went on the roof- not to drink or throw up- the throwing up just happened- but to see what it would be like to just leap. To end it. But I didn't Blair, because I saw you and I'm not kidding when I say that looking into your eyes saved my life, because it did. Your deep doe eyes saved my life. That sounds pathetic but it's the truth, and perhaps I was too naive to know it then, but it was in that moment that I defined us as something immaculate- that was when I knew you'd be my best friend.

You were special from the start Blair. Don't ever doubt that. You saved my life, not just that night, but every single day after that. You were my salvation- then and now. I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you. You gave me another shot at life and for that, I just want to say, thank you. Thankyou for helping me stay alive.

- P.S: I always liked your hair down- especially when it was dripping wet ;)

My fingers folded the letter as its first crease formed.

"I didn't save you Dylan.''I whispered as I took back in the tears and ignored the gut wrenching feeling of a billion bottles being smashed on my head. "I killed you."

I gulped down the words, knowing that he would still be healthy, standing and alive if it weren't for him coming here. If it weren't for me being here.But just like fate has its twists and turns, so does the reality.

I merely began to trail across the lines of London again, as a notification- an email- popped up on my phone.
"The University of London is thrilled to have you..."

I had never shut my phone this rapidly before, and that's when I knew that no matter what: this was the outcome.

Him and I would never have been together, whether it was London, Boston or even Florida. The universe wouldn't have allowed it. Perhaps we should have just been happy with the one month we had. Maybe then, we'd still have each other, but we got greedy, we grew selfish, we became each-other's damnation, and one of us suffered the consequences more severely than the other.