He is gone, Can is gone, and Sanem must learn to live his life without the one who had become the centre, the essence.
Two souls hundreds of kilometres apart, lost but never forgotten, two hearts beating the same rhythm without having the courage t...
How did we get to this point? I've been asking myself that question for days and I've been doing it all the time today as I watched him take photo after photo of the last advertising campaign before he left for the Balkans.
I look at him and my heart bleeds at the thought that this could be the last time my eyes rest on him, on the man I had chosen for life, the one I thought was the albatross I dreamed of meeting as a child, the one I wrote about in my diaries, the one I imagined finding one day and never letting go.
I found him, I recognised him and loved him with all my heart, I would have done anything for him and that's exactly what happened, I gave everything not to lose him and in the end he is leaving me because I gave too much in his way.
How could I allow the free man, with the adventurous life used to considering the whole world his home, to be locked up in a cell because of me? It is my fault that Can got to that man, I should never, ever have allowed him to get close to me, I could have perhaps handled things differently so that it did not come to what it did.
I recover from these thoughts realizing that the shoot is over, Can is already putting back the camera equipment and I can't help but continue to watch him with all the regret in the world. I can't believe that this is really happening, that these are our last moments together, I cross my arms to defend myself somehow from the pain that I feel in this moment tearing my chest.
He looks up at me and we stay like that for a long time, motionless, eyes in eyes, mine silently begging him not to do this, not to leave me, to stay and do what deep down, I realise now, he has never allowed us to do: talk.
He never wanted to, never allowed us to have a sincere dialogue. We have had so many problems in the past but Can has always preferred, as they say, to sweep the dust under the carpet. He preferred not to know, not to dissect the situations as he went along but simply to put them aside and over time the doubts, the fears, the misunderstandings, everything got bigger. In my opinion, this is what made him take the drastic decision to break off our relationship and erase me from his life; in the end, he never wanted to know and accept Sanem in all its facets, imperfections included.
He perhaps fell in love with a woman who does not exist, a being incapable of making mistakes, devoid of flaws that, ultimately, could never be me. I am an imperfect human being, who has made so many mistakes but who can nevertheless say that I loved him above all else, I would have given my life for him if necessary and, in order to save him, I gave that perfume even at the risk of having to face his wrath. I knew he would react badly, that's why I have been unable to tell him the truth for so long, I didn't think he would erase me from his life completely, but I had seen with my own eyes how he reacted to a lack on the part of his friend Metin and I should have imagined he would do the same with me.
I tried in every way to talk to him, to explain, to ask his forgiveness, but he was immovable in his intention of not wanting to hear reasons, he didn't give me any chance, I didn't deserve any in his eyes obviously.
Since that night at the hut, when he shouted at me that lapidary phrase "Bitti, it's over Sanem", I have tried in every way to reason with him, to make him go back to being that wonderful man who looked at me with infinite sweetness, who held me in his huge arms stroking my hair almost with devotion. I missed that man terribly, I missed everything about him and I can't believe I have to give up all this forever.
For a moment my treacherous heart suggests that I run to him to beg him not to go, to give us another chance to be happy together, for a moment the idea of trying once again grazes my mind, but Polen's voice urging him to get ready because they have to leave for the airport as soon as possible extinguishes every glimmer of hope in me.
I close my eyes, it hurts terribly to think that after everything we have been through he has chosen Polen after all, he is leaving with her, he has made his decision unshakable and nothing and nobody has been able to change his mind. Not even my mother, who Can has always held in such high regard, was able to convince him. She told him that if you think you've found the right person, you can't let him go because he's the only one who can really stand by you as you travel the many paths of life.
She told me a few days after going to the agency without my knowledge, she spoke to Can with an open heart like a mother would, she tried to help him look at things objectively, but apparently I am not the right partner for him, he must have come to this conclusion if he finally decided to leave.
Maybe it was meant to be, ultimately he accidentally kissed me thinking I was Polen and in the end it is to her that he returns, so it had to be.
Her - Hoşçakal, goodbye - barely whispered towards me is ultimately a confirmation of this.
It is over.
She turns his back to me to head for the door, turns for a moment as he grabs his jacket on the sofa giving me a look that I can't decipher, I can only think at this moment " Keşke, if only..." so many things could have been different, I could have made so many different choices, but I would never have regretted giving the recipe for that perfume in exchange for her freedom.
My albatross is following its nature, it is setting off on its journey, spreading its wings free as it should be.
With the formula of my perfume I allowed the door of that cell to be opened for him in the belief that he was ready to start a new life with me, with the life partner he said he had chosen, only to discover that instead his desire was to take flight again, alone, far from me.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Watching him leave is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, I shake my head frantically blinking my eyelids trying to push back the tears, I can't help but think how many times he promised me that we would be together forever.
I watch him walk determinedly past the door of the agency and I have to take note of the truth in front of my eyes, he's turned his back on me for good, what I thought was my albatross is leaving me, he's walking out of my life, forever.
