The albatross journey

43 - IN or OUT

Can

Dilara's words during lunch break from the set were a blow to me.
Knowing that a dear friend of Sanem's wishes that she can forget me, because that's what I deserve after having deceived and abandoned her, that she can leave behind our love story and consequently me too, that she can find someone else who really loves her and can make her as happy as she deserves, well, to say that it destroyed me is an understatement.
As if it wasn't enough to see her next to Hakan, to see him embracing her as if he had every right to do so, as if... as if she wasn't mine anymore... it threw me into a state of pure terror at the idea that it might really be too late, that she might really go on with her life without any more room for me.
Once again I find myself living what I made her live, the jealousy, the feeling of powerlessness in front of the other's choices that no longer contemplate your presence, a future project in which you no longer have any importance or any role.
This is exactly what Sanem must have felt and experienced with my departure and it hurts, damn if it hurts, indeed I must admit it is heartbreaking.
The fear that she might really erase me from her life makes me tremble deep inside and I feel that I have to act as soon as possible, I have to get busy to make her understand that this time my feelings are sincere and deep and that there are no more doubts about the fact that I want her and only her in my life.

I return to the set and realize that she tries to avoid my gaze for the entire afternoon, I feel increasingly frustrated and impatient to talk to her, to be close to her, to tell her how I feel.
At the end of the day's shooting I pretend to be busy setting up my camera equipment and waiting for everyone to leave, I don't lose sight of her for a moment, looking for the right moment to make my move.
I see her finishing setting up the set, putting away the clothes worn by the models during the last shots, when I decide to act, before she finishes and decides to leave.
I come up behind her and do what I've wanted to do all day and every single day of every damn month I've lived without her.
I hug her tightly against my chest catching her off guard, I hide my face in her beautiful hair, I inhale for a moment that scent that for me is love and belonging and I whisper to her - Can I invite you to dinner to thank you for agreeing to work with me? I ask nothing more than to spend time with you Sanem, I've missed you more than air, lutfen please -
I feel for a moment that she surrenders against me, I feel her for a few moments still mine, warm and soft as I always remember her in my arms, perfect for where she belongs.
It feels like a dream, my heart beating wildly as my lips quiver with the desire to rest on that skin, on the spot below her ear where I know it's most sensitive to touch.
I've always been crazy about this woman who I felt belonged to me from the very first moment when, in the darkness of a theatre and even though I didn't know who she was, I immediately perceived her as an extension of me, someone who was predestined for me.
I heard her inhale deeply and then, in an instant, she stiffened, freed herself from my grasp, took a step away and turned to face me.

- Why are you doing this to me Can? Why do you keep trying to undermine the little bit of balance I've found by coming here, hundreds of miles from you and from what could even remind me of you and what we had?
I don't know who you are Can Divit, you've been a sweet and loving man, you've been angry and vindictive, you've said you love me, you've professed your love and then you've been insensitive to my every heartfelt plea to listen or even talk to me. How can you erase from your life the person you said you loved with all your heart a few days ago? -

I see her move back to the table on which her bag is resting, she takes it while continuing to keep her gaze fixed on me, she puts it on her shoulder, for a moment she lowers her head, takes a breath and then returns to look at me fixedly in the eyes - How you can do so much harm to someone you say you love I cannot explain, what is certain is that I must defend myself from you and from the pain you can still cause me with your sudden changes in mood and thought.
For you, existence is a matter of black or white, of inside or outside your life, of everything or nothing, there are no shades, no grey, no compromises or attempts to understand the other and meet him halfway.