The albatross journey

8 -Disillusion

Sanem

The two days I spent at my best friends' house allowed me to regain a modicum of control over the emotions that had completely overwhelmed me. Not that the dull ache in my heart has diminished, but somehow having the time to cry and reflect on what happened has allowed me to regain some semblance of control over myself.

After the first moments in which I needed to be alone to be able to reflect and vent, I talked a lot, I expressed with them all the despair I feel deep inside at the idea of never seeing him again and this allowed me to accept it and start to govern it.
I have to learn to move on, to live a semblance of normality, to move on with something that can vaguely be called life when in fact I feel deep inside that nothing will ever make me feel happy again without him.

I put all my personal belongings back in the trolley and on Sunday evening I set off sadly towards my parents' house with a huge burden still on my heart, but with the necessary calm to lie and make believe that everything is fine in my parents' eyes.

It's not easy, I see my mother in particular peering at me attentively, but I justify myself by saying that I'm very tired and, after saying a quick goodbye to them, I go to my room with the poster of the great albatross.
I sit and look at it for a long time thinking that they are beautiful and free just like he is now, I was wrong to believe that he could stay in place forever, he will never be able to, I should have known.

I get ready for bed and slip under the covers in the fetal position trying to ease the suffering that I know will be my companion for a long time to come. I know it will be hard, but it can't be any other way, I will have to learn to live with this sense of loss every day from now on.

I get up in the morning after an almost sleepless night during which I did nothing but stare at the reflection of the street lamps on the ceiling of my room. I tried to empty my mind in every way, but every breath still spoke to me about him and every blink of my eyes incessantly brought back images of my beautiful albatross.

Going to the publishing house, entering through the sliding door of the building's lobby knowing that there is no chance of meeting him makes me feel an unexpected sense of despair that I try to counter by running down the stairs and taking refuge in my office and behind the computer screen. I pretend to concentrate on my work when my mind is nothing but a confused tangle of thoughts and images of him and us.

Yigit looks over briefly to say goodbye and I can't help but sincerely apologise for leaving so suddenly, leaving him on his own for Izmir.
It is with a sigh of relief that I welcome his reassurance that he has fully understood the situation and that there are no problems.

The day passes slowly and heavily, I manage to get little or nothing done as I am completely incapable of concentrating on anything other than this sense of asphyxiation that assails me every time I think that he is no longer mine, that I might never see him again for the rest of my life.

I slowly climb the stairs to leave the publishing house at the end of the day as if I had the weight of the whole world on my shoulders, it was hard but the first day has passed and slowly many others will pass, the pain will never disappear completely but time will perhaps allow the grip of the terrible grip I feel on my heart at this moment to loosen.

As I arrive in the main hall of the building, I see many of the guys from the agency gathered around the reception desk. I notice that Cey Cey moves nervously back and forth in a very unusual way.

I see the guys glance at something resting on the counter and then look at me uneasily, Cey Cey tries to get between me and them and at this point I'm definitely curious.

- What's going on guys? -

No one makes a single sound, I decisively move Cey Cey to the side and pass him to get to the counter and look at what the others are looking at, I approach curiously and can't help but feel totally annihilated by what my eyes register.

I turn around and leave the building in a hurry, stop a taxi in tears and give the driver the address of the promenade. For the second time in a few days I find myself shedding desperate tears on the back seat of a taxi for someone who has obviously gone his own way and completely erased me from his mind.

Once at my destination I pay and get out to walk slowly towards the sea, I walk with my head down unable to raise my eyes to the Bosphorus and the Maiden's Tower that we loved to look at, staying embraced for hours on that rock that has always been a refuge and comfort for me.

I sit down, bend my knees hugging them and rest my forehead on them, a silent cry accompanies the repetition in my mind of those photos that have been nothing but a feral blow to my heart and soul.

They must have been taken on the very evening of their arrival in London, with a tug at my heart I see the image of them walking through the sliding doors of a hotel together and then what struck my self-respect and the faint glimmer of hope I had that she might still have feelings for me.

It was intolerable to see Polen wrap his arms around her neck as they gazed intently into each other's eyes, it was proof that he had not only left WITH her but had gone to London ultimately FOR her.

It takes me hours to stop shedding bitter tears, tears of disappointment at the betrayal of a love that seemed so true and pure in my eyes...

I wasn't wrong then, he went back to Polen in the end, it hurts but I have to come to accept it as I will have to accept what awaits me from now on and forever.

I have to accept to live a half-life, without him in my days and in my daily life, without his smiles or his caresses brushed on my hair, without an us that gives meaning to every moment of an existence that will have to resign itself to be empty and incomplete.

Today's suffering is not very different from yesterday's, there's just so much more disillusionment, there's the awareness of having been an interlude, a diversion within his story with Polen and it hurts, damn if it hurts.

I sigh sobbing once again, breathe Sanem, breathe and go on living, you have to accept that in reality he never loved you otherwise he wouldn't have come back to her so quickly, you can't put aside such a special feeling in a few days, if it was like that that feeling never really existed.