The albatross journey

5 - Albatross in flight

Can

I walked through the door of the agency with death in my heart, I can't hide what I feel and right now it's just a lot of regret for what could have been and could never be between us again.

We get into a taxi to plunge into the chaotic traffic of Istanbul on a sunny afternoon, the city that I had begun to feel as my home greets me with a clear sky of the kind you rarely see in late winter in Istanbul.
I record all this in a corner of my mind while my thoughts focus solely on that girl with the hazel eyes that who knows if I will ever have the chance to meet with mine again.

I look out of the window while the images of us happy together along these roads flow in front of me in an uninterrupted film, it seems impossible that a few dozen days have passed since our relationship was so apparently serene and satisfying.

A hand resting on my knee distracts me from these thoughts, I turn with an annoyed look towards Polen who asks me - Is everything alright Can? - Pretending to settle on the seat I move my leg away from her touch, I realize more and more that I am uncomfortable with Polen's confidence in touching me.
We have been together for several years, but for me the relationship with her is now a closed page and I would never want her to misunderstand our departure together.
I hope it is clear that I am going to London because of the job I have decided to accept and that I am absolutely not leaving with her.

We arrived at the airport shortly afterwards, we hurriedly dealt with all the paperwork necessary for boarding our luggage and then went to sit down in the waiting room reserved for international flights.
I remain motionless for a long time in silence with my eyes lost in the void thinking about how things could have taken a completely unexpected direction, I did not expect to take an immediate flight if not to bring my erkenci kus to know the world with me.

I remember the image of us, in the garden of my house, when Sanem confessed her love for me and we celebrated our union with a romantic kiss wet by the sprinklers that suddenly started on us.
After dinner I hugged her tightly and proposed to run away, run away to any place she had never seen and I remember with a squeeze in my heart the tenderness I felt when she answered candidly that she had never been abroad.

- Pick a place, any place you want to go with me - I had suggested to her and her answer had definitely kidnapped my heart that already wanted nothing more than to be her.
Her head resting on my chest, one hand touching my shirt where the albatross tattoo was hiding, her whispered reply had turned my soul upside down as I still couldn't believe she loved me.

- Here, right here, here is more than enough for me -

I had held her tightly in my arms and promised her that I would soon take her with me to discover the whole world.

I firmly believed in that promise, and now it seems incredible to me to realise that apparently, from now on, I would be going to that great world alone instead.

The boarding gate for our flight is opened, we get up to go to the desk and go through the last checks, while the stewardess tells us to sit down, Polen makes me smile at the memory of when, many years before leaving for the Maldives, the stewardess at the boarding gate, mistaking me for a famous actor, wouldn't let me go on to the plane until I had given her an autograph.

We get on board and I take my seat by the window, I don't feel the slightest excitement at the idea of this trip, instead I feel a huge weight on my chest that barely allows me to breathe.
I fasten my seatbelt as the signal goes off while taking a deep breath to regain my composure.
The plane slowly begins to move, making a wide manoeuvre to head towards the runways, it skirts the glass windows that house the waiting room for a few moments and suddenly I can't help but gasp.
No!
It can't be, I turn my whole torso towards the window, holding my breath in disbelief as I look towards the silhouette of the woman who is standing there with one hand resting on the glass in a gesture of desperate appeal.
I follow her with my gaze until the manoeuvring of the plane allows me to do so and I have no doubt, it's her!
She's changed clothes but I'm certain, I can feel it in my bones, it's Sanem.

When she disappears from my sight I find myself with a crazy heart and a dull roar in my ears, I close my eyes trying to regain control of myself.

Why did that fleeting image of her touch me so deeply?
I had said goodbye to her only a few hours before at the agency, and yet, seeing that solitary figure who with a hand gesture seems to want to stop the flight of this plane, hits me like a punch in the stomach.
The roar of the engines cannot overpower what I hear in my ears due to the frantic beating of my heart, the rolling of the plane and then the decisive detachment of the wheels from the ground somehow take my breath away as the image of her did just now.

What is happening to me? I realise my hands are shaking, I pass them over my head in a nervous gesture, my breath short, I close my eyes again and rest my head against the seat.

What has upset me so?

It takes me a few moments to realise that it was that image of her that somehow made me realise I had done it.

I left her.

I'm flying away from her....