The albatross journey

29 - Storm of emotions

Sanem

- You decided you wanted the freedom to live your life your way, now I'm the one claiming my freedom. Hoşçakal, goodbye -

With these firm words I move to the side to cross over and head resolutely towards the check-in desk to check in my bags. My heart beats at a crazy pace, I didn't think I could be so firm in my tone and words, but the suffering of these last months has changed me deeply, the disappointment experienced has made the naive neighbourhood girl who hung on his every word grow up quickly.
Today's Sanem has learnt a hard lesson, she has learnt not to trust and to put herself before everything and everyone.
My hands are shaking as I hand over the tickets and documents to the clerk and my mind is in the grip of a whirlwind of conflicting emotions and feelings that face each other relentlessly:

"He came looking for you all the way here."
"You can't trust him"
"He said he only deluded himself that he could live without our love"
"He turned his back on you without any hesitation"
"He admitted he was wrong"
"He hurt you too much"

It is the latter ultimately the truer truth than any other consideration, he hurt me too deeply to even think of trusting him again and then there is another reality now to take into account, I have learnt that I have to prioritise myself, I have to pursue my dreams and aspirations.
My priority now is to fulfil myself first and foremost as a woman and as a professional in a sector that is giving me enormous satisfaction. I have accepted this new challenge as a copywriter at Hyal Etmek and this is the only thing I have to concentrate on, this is the only thing that must exist I have to learn to keep my poor wounded heart locked away from every tremor of love that for me can no longer be, not after what he has done to me.

I hand over my luggage and without turning to look at the spot where I left it a short while ago, I set off resolutely towards the passageway allowed only to those who are leaving, I am almost there when a hand on my arm once again holds me back. I look up decisively at him, I must be strong, determined and firm in my position.

-Sanem, right now I can't do anything but ask your forgiveness for what I did to you, now that I'm watching you leave I can fully understand how devastating it was to watch someone you love leave. Because I love you Sanem, of this I have no more doubts, I have always loved you and I was so afraid of this, I had never felt such a powerful feeling and not knowing how to live and manage it I preferred to run away.
I would like to explain what I have understood in these months of distance but I realise that this is not the place or the time, you have made an important decision for you and your life and I cannot do anything but respect it.
I'm proud of you Sanem, I've always been more than convinced that you could do great things and that's what you're proving, congratulations on the new job, I'm sure it will be another success like the project you did for HXC Cosmetic.
But don't think I'm giving up so easily, I won't give up on you this time, I will fight as you have always fought for us.
Sanem Aydin I tell you that this is not a hoşçakal, farewell but a yakında görüşürüz goodbye see you soon. Know that you will be in my thoughts and dreams every moment as you have been since, right here in this airport, I made the very bad decision to abandon my heart and soul here in Istanbul by deciding to leave you -

What he just said leaves me breathless and unable to reply, it's too much to process and assimilate in the few minutes I have before boarding is closed for my flight.
Once again, however, a single sentence repeats itself endlessly in my mind: 'He hurt you too much'.
I shake my head trying to regain control of my emotions which have been put in turmoil by what he just said - It was too much Can, that's all I can say, it was too much the pain you made me feel, I don't think it's something I can find the strength to overcome. I'm sorry but I really have to go now, they're about to board my flight -

I pass him with my heart tightened in a vice that closely resembles the same heartbreak I felt seeing him do the same thing months before. I've only taken a few steps and his voice comes through loud and clear as he says - Have a good trip, yakında görüşürüz see you soon Sanem, this time I won't give up, that's my promise.

I pass through the control gate leading to the boarding gates without turning around to see if he's still there, I couldn't stand the sight of him, I might as well succumb and turn back because of how I feel right now.

Damn you Can Divit, why do you do this to me?

Why do you still make my heart beat like it did on the first day despite everything he's put me through?

I hand my ticket to the stewardess who gestures me to take a seat and proceed to the waiting aircraft, I walk resolutely convinced that I must and can resist, but in the end, just before crossing the door of the corridor that will take me to my plane, I have to do it, I have to turn and look at him. And there he is, standing exactly where I left him, he is staring at me with intensity and when he sees that I have turned around he raises a hand in a quiet sign of greeting, I feel my heart stop for a moment for the violence of the emotions that assail me, but I take that step, that step that takes me out of his sight and him out of mine. I continue to walk determinedly while inside I feel a storm of emotions raging overbearingly while I repeat to myself: damn you Can Divit, damn you ...

I get on the plane and take my seat with my heart that doesn't want to beat in a regular rhythm again.

How can I still suffer it like this?

How can he still reduce me to this state after all that has happened.

I fasten my seatbelt and close my eyes, forcing myself to calm down and above all to stop thinking about him, his words, his look, the apparently sincere tone of his voice. But above all it is the image of him raising his hand in that sad sign of greeting that comes back to my mind and seems to suffocate my breath at the mere thought.

Why has that fleeting image of him touched me so deeply?

What is it that has upset me so?

It takes me a few moments to realise that it was that image of him that gave me the awareness, the knowledge that I did it.

I left him.

I'm flying away from him....