The albatross journey

57 - Out of reality

Sanem

What's happening to me I can't understand, or maybe I just don't want to analyse what I'm experiencing.
I went out to dinner this evening with Can with the intention of resisting him and not giving in to his flattery. The prospect of moving to Izmir to publish my book only strengthened my conviction that I should stay as far away from him as possible during these few remaining days until his departure from Ankara.
So I opened the door with the firm intention of spending a nice evening, without being influenced by his charm and his attempts at seduction.
To find him in front of me, handsome and elegant as I had never seen him before, to realise that he had organised the most romantic of scenarios for us and then to feel his whispered words in my hair, to be held in his arms again. What he made me experience tonight completely shattered all my resolutions to remain cold and detached.

I have no idea what has come over me, I only know that my body and my essence seem to want it more than rationality alone is able to keep my deepest instincts at bay. I have never experienced anything like this before, I have never felt such intense shivers, perceptions capable of shaking my being and undermining all my deepest convictions.

I have lost all contact with reality and with the reasoning that should be guiding me at this moment, I know I should withdraw from his embrace, leave those lips that are driving me crazy, pull away and tell him categorically that there is no hope for us anymore.
However, my heart and my traitorous instinct, which I did not even know I possessed, prevent me from doing so. I soon hear the taxi stop and Can moves away from me just to take my hand and help me get out.
I see him briefly lean over the window to pay for the ride and then guide me towards the gate of my house as I feel totally unable to react.
I can't think straight and my hands can't stop shaking as I take the house keys and hand them to him as if in a trance.
He opens the door, closes it with a movement of his hip and wastes no time in immediately taking me back in his arms and starting to kiss me again in a way that dissolves all my rational thought.

I almost don't realise that I am being picked up and carried up the stairs and to my room where Can lets himself fall on the bed making me lie completely on top of his imposing and excited body.
He interrupts the kiss to stare into my eyes in silent question, giving me time to make my choice.
I know perfectly well what is happening, I am not drunk except for unknown sensations and desires that, I am aware, I will only be able to experience with the only man who will ever possess my heart and so, with a new and unexpected resolution, I decide that it is right and natural to give him my body too. I don't want to and can't think of giving up this, what is happening right now and that could be all I will have of him for the rest of my life.

I don't want to think, not now.
As he said just before, I just want to FEEL.
His warmth, his strength, his passion, his taste.
I take his face in my hands while I feel that he's holding his breath waiting for my signal, I look into his eyes trying to communicate what I'm feeling in this moment and then I close them kissing him with all the transport that my inexperience allows me to express. This deliberate blindness amplifies the intensity of each touch, the impact of the smell that is only his, the softness of his lips and the compactness of his strong body that, in a single movement, reverses our positions and moves on top of me.

Everything becomes indistinct around us, there are only those hands and caressing lips that explore demanding and ardent at the same time.
I don't want to deprive myself of anything, I don't want to have any limits or inhibitions, I begin the exploration of his body myself, hesitant at first, almost afraid of not living up to his expectations, but when I hear his breathing become laboured and his moans of pleasure respond to my every touch, I gain courage.

I don't understand what's happening to me, but my timid approaches become more and more demanding, almost desperate to feel him closer and closer, longing to feel his skin against mine.
There is no more present, no more past, no more future, no more anything but our bodies seeking each other out and recognising each other as if they were meant to be one. When they truly become one, I feel like I am dying and being reborn in a new dimension made only of pleasure and a feeling of proud belonging to that man who, for me, will always be the one and only.

I hold him tightly almost as if I wanted to dissolve and become part of him as he is, and will always be, part of me. I whisper his name while I hear him softly pronounce mine until, in the moment of ecstasy, I feel his sighing words in my hair "Seni çok seviyorum, I love you so much Sanem".

I struggle to register the meaning because the world suddenly seems to stop for an instant and then explode in a kaleidoscope of unknown sensations and emotions.

It's something incredible, a lone tear escapes from under my still stubbornly closed eyelids and I feel Can's light touch follow it with a finger along my cheek.

- Shhh, what's going on aşkım my love? Never, ever do I want to see you cry -

I shake my head smiling, still keeping my eyes closed and struggling to put into words the myriad of sensations I've just experienced.

- It was simply too much Can, too emotional, too involving, too...-

I feel him caressing my cheek softly, placing a light kiss on my forehead while he holds me close to him.

- It wasn't too Sanem, it was just right and perfect, something even I've never experienced before because I've never loved a woman like I know I love you now.

I rest my head in the hollow of his shoulder, my cheek on his chest exactly on that tattoo of the albatross that was carved on his skin as a premonitory sign of our union, even before we met.

I don't want to think now, I just want to go on feeling the wonder of what we have just experienced, the joy of being in his arms as I have dreamed of ever since my albatross, nothing but an indistinct figure in the dark of a theatre, made me fall madly in love with a stolen kiss.

I breathe in deeply his scent and that of our entwined bodies, I feel like I am dreaming and I don't want to wake up ever again.

We fall asleep in a dreamy embrace and several times during the night we look for each other in our sleep, burning with a passion that seems to be inexhaustible in both of us.

A magical night that I live with the intensity of those who are experiencing something unique, moments out of time and reality that with the first rays of the sun, I am aware, will come knocking at the door with its inexorable load of rationality.