The albatross journey

49 - Seeds of hope

Can

- Give me the chance to show you how much I love you -

I had promised myself to take small steps with Sanem and not to press her too much, letting her get used, little by little, to the idea that I had finally understood how important she was for me, but I couldn't resist.
When I saw her in front of my eyes, shining with a light that only she knows how to illuminate, she who is able to derive a simple and genuine joy even from the smallest things, once again something very deep moved inside me and I could not resist.

I found myself in front of a wonderful woman, the most beautiful flower among a myriad of flowers, who lets herself go and knows how to smile in that unique way, all her own, which has always made me lose my head and I could not resist, I felt the need to get closer as if attracted by an irrepressible force. And it was just as I was approaching her that I saw with dismay that wonderful smile fade away, as if by magic.

And like a punch in the stomach I felt as if I could hear her unspoken words inside me, I was aware her spontaneous smile had faded at the thought that, if I knew so much about her, how could I have made her suffer so much?
I can't explain how I knew, but I knew, I felt it viscerally, that pain that mirrored my own, a dull ache that had been with me since I had left her and lost her.
I couldn't do anything but get close to her and whisper softly all my regrets, I confessed that I don't know how I could have left like that, on the spur of the moment, leaving everything behind, without thinking about her and how she would have felt, I told her that I can't explain it either, and it's true.

I only know that fear prevailed over everything and I made the biggest mistake of my life, I tried to repress what I felt because it was too much, it was new and too powerful to manage for someone like me, who had known very little love in his life.
Only later did I realise that this feeling is not something you can put aside or forget, it becomes part of you and will be forever. Unfortunately, I realised this when I was far away and it was too late to turn back, but now that I have become aware of it, it will guide my every action from now on and I will never risk losing her again.
What is important and essential for me is and will always be only her, now I have understood, now that she thinks it is too late, now that she has erected walls to defend herself and her heart. But I want and must continue to hope if I want to live a full life that can only be with her and no one else, so I can't help but beg her to tell her what I feel in the depths of my heart, I ask her to give me a chance to love her.

Her big hazel eyes open wide to stare into mine, they look huge and shine with something, I'm sure of it, for a moment I see a spark that, as it appeared, suddenly goes out as Sanem takes a step back.

- I think this is not the time to talk about this Can, we have a job to do, let's proceed, lütfen please -

She's right, this isn't the time or the place, but I'm happy to have had the opportunity to leave a small seed in her heart and mind, I know that what I said has deeply affected her, I can see it from the slight tremor of her hands as she raise them to restart a non-existent unruly lock and then look away from me.

With my words and my gestures I will give water and fertile soil to every seed that I manage to get to her in the hope that they will sprout, grow luxuriantly and finally bear fruit, because I cannot think that there is no more room for me in that huge heart that is capable of loving everyone and everything around it.
While I go back to my place ready to resume shooting, this conviction is strong in me, I have to believe, there must be a chance for us and I will do everything in my power to make it happen again.

I start shooting again, I give her some brief instructions on where I want her to move or how she should caress the flowers, I ask her to take several bunches and bring them to her face and, as I had imagined, the colours and scents of the flowers manage to make her relax.