The albatross journey

7 - Toward a new life

Can

I left, I really did, the awareness of the enormity of my gesture weighs like a boulder on my heart throughout the flight to London.

I feel as if I am unable to breathe, I feel as if an essential part of doing so is missing and I have the terrible feeling that it will be missing forever.
Polen tried several times to get my attention, but soon realised it was useless, I had no desire to talk.
Saying I was going to leave and actually doing it are very different things, every kilometre that takes me away from home feels like agony.

HOME

Istanbul had never been home for me, at least not until I met Sanem who, with his magnetic smile, had bewitched me, stealing my heart and making me lose my mind completely.

I tell myself that I must try to chase away these thoughts, stop, I must not think any more about the daydream I had in the last months because none of it was real.
It certainly wasn't that candid and naive girl whom I thought I had discovered as if she were an unexpected treasure. It was all a sham, it was all a lie from the beginning, I found out and forgave her only to be confronted once again with a reality very different from the one I thought I was living with her, I found myself in front of a woman more than capable of lying and hiding important truths from me without any scruple.

The plane turns as it begins its descent over a London illuminated by millions of lights, I look out the window as I take a deep breath, enough, the decision has been made and now I am here ready to resume my old life.
It won't be easy to get over the first few moments but I think I will soon be back to my old habits and the lonely, rootless existence that characterised the last few years of my 'before' life.

We land in a cold and rainy London that immediately makes me regret the clear sky I left in Istanbul a few hours earlier with that girl who...

Enough Can.
You must force yourself to stop thinking about that solitary figure whose sight made you feel a squeeze in your heart. It's over, it's all in the past and today a new phase of your life begins, you go back to being the globetrotting photographer free of all constraints that you have always been in the past.

We collect our luggage and get into a taxi, I tell the driver the address of the hotel I have booked for my short stay here in London, it is closer than Polen's house and she can then continue on her own.

The taxi ride is silent, I am tired and in a decidedly heavy mood, as heavy as the rain that is pouring down in this moment on this city that I have always loved so much because it is extremely multifaceted and lively. I had dreamed of taking there one day....

I shake my head as I say to myself - Will you stop it Can, these thoughts can't take you anywhere, you've made your decision and you have to stick to it -.

We get to the hotel, I pay the fare, get out to get my suitcase and to my surprise I see Polen doing the same, she takes the suitcase, closes the boot and the taxi leaves without her.

I look at her in amazement - What are you doing Polen, why didn't you continue with the taxi to your house?

- I understand that you prefer to stay at the hotel instead of my house, no problem for me -

I shake my head starting to fear that she has misunderstood as I had begun to suspect, I inhale deeply to deal with this unpleasant situation which, to be honest, I would have gladly avoided after a hellish day like today.

- Polen, I think you misunderstood...-

- What are we doing here on the pavement, come let's go into the lobby, we're all getting soaked in this terrible rain -

I follow her through the sliding doors and the flash of a photographer makes me wince, I look around and see a photojournalist crossing the hotel lobby at a fast pace and exiting through a door on the other side, I want to run after him but Polen's hand on my arm stops me.

- Where are you going? Didn't you want to talk? -

I shake my head, I look at her and at the door from which the man who has now disappeared into thin air has come out, a sense of impotence and anger begins to rise up.
I release my arm from her grasp and tackle her as I don't think I've ever done before.

- What does it all mean Polen? Why did you get out of that taxi and why was there a photographer  to immortalise us as soon as we walked through the door of this hotel? -

Her expression tries to be as neutral as possible as she tells me:

- How should I know why he was here, you know that the photoreporters of certain tabloid newspapers are constantly stationed in hotels looking for news.
Besides, we've always been a very photographed couple at social events, that shouldn't be news to you, should it?
Leave that photographer alone and let's go up to the room, I've missed you so much, you know? - As she says this, she lets go of the handle of the trolley behind her and comes up to put her arms around my neck looking at me with an unmistakable look.

I let my arms fall helplessly down my body, I open and close my hands trying to keep calm but the anger at this point is hard to keep at bay, I'm dead tired after a hard day's work and a whirlwind of conflicting emotions that assaulted me as I left Istanbule and...

Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I firmly grasp her arms behind my neck and lower them bringing me to a safe distance from her before speaking.
- Polen, I'd like to make one thing very clear, I spell it out well because I don't want there to be any more misunderstandings.

WE - ARE - NOT - A - COUPLE.

Tamam is OK? I came here to make arrangements for my work in the Balkans, I did not come here WITH you or FOR you.
What existed between us is over and buried long ago and I have no intention of changing that -

-But Can...-

-No but Polen, there is nothing anymore and there can never be anything between us I want to be clear about this tamam? Now excuse me but I would like to go to rest, I will say goodbye now because I don't think I will see you again before my departure, görüşürüz goodbye -

I grab my trolley and head towards the reception desk to complete the check in procedures, I don't turn around to look at her anymore, I'm furious and I feel manipulated, something tells me that those photos will soon be printed on the glossy paper of some scandalous magazine.
While I'm waiting to pick up the key to my room I have a tug in my heart at the thought that SHE might see them and think...

Enough Can, you don't have to think anymore about what she may or may not think, she is no longer part of your life as you are no longer part of hers, bitte it's over, the sooner you get over it and stop thinking about her the better.