The albatross journey

44 - Are you sure?

Sanem

It was not easy once again to resist him.
My heart is begging me to throw my arms around his neck and throw away every fear, every caution, to love him and let myself be loved as I would so much like him to be loved. But in the same way, in that same heart, runs the fear that at the slightest mistake, at the slightest difficulty, he will turn around and, once again, decide that it is over and I am no longer anyone for him.

I come home after the first day on the set and I don't even have the strength to go down to the beach as I have done every single day since I have lived here, I am tired and still shocked by his words

"All I ask is to spend time with you Sanem, I've missed you more than air, Lütfen please."

Lütfen please, was what my mind silently shouted as I watched him get on that plane, I missed him too like the air I breathe, I too would have liked to have him beside me, spend time with him, explain my reasons and start again saving our relationship, but it didn't happen and he chose it. I am no longer willing to put my heart in his hands, knowing that they are ready to throw it aside at the slightest difficulty.

Once inside the house I don't even feel like eating, I immediately go up to my room for a long hot bath that helps me relax while I try not to think about him, about that lütfen that was a whisper and a plea at the same time.
A long time later I get out of the now cold water, get ready for the night and sit at the toilet to brush my hair for a long time while, in front of the mirror, I question myself looking into my eyes.

-Are you sure Sanem is doing the right thing for you right now? I nod at the reflected me, a me with a constantly sad and hurt look at how much the world has collapsed on me with that "Bitte, it's over".

Sighing, I get up to prepare clothes to wear the next morning to avoid being late. In the afternoon, Hakan sent me a message offering to pick me up for breakfast before taking me to the photo shoot to discuss some details about a campaign I had been following while he was in Istanbul.

I turn off the light and lie down on the bed praying that the tiredness and the hot bath will help me find the sleep and rest I need soon if I don't want to be destroyed by fatigue and have enough energy to face the next difficult days next to Can.

I toss and turn in bed for hours unable to close my eyes and admit that my heart can't help but be happy at the idea of seeing him again tomorrow morning, of having the chance to lay my eyes on him, to meet his black eyes that make me run cold shivers down my spine and my knees tremble at every smile.

The alarm clock sounds once again that the sun has not yet risen on the horizon and it seems to me that I have slept only a few minutes, I get ready quickly and soon I hear Hakan's car arriving. The traffic at that hour is practically non-existent and we take the opportunity to start talking about work. We decide to have breakfast directly at a restaurant in the bazaar so that I will already be there when the rest of the crew arrives.

We sit down in a café not far from the area reserved by Hyal Etmek for filming and get into a dense conversation about the details of the second commercial of a campaign that started last month.

At a certain point I look at my watch, realising that it's time for me to move towards the set if I want everything to be ready when the models arrive. I'm about to get up to go when a force that I can't explain leads me to look out of the glass window of the club in front of which we are sitting.
I felt a strange sensation, a compelling call that I couldn't resist, that made me look out only to find myself staring at eyes that I know well and that at this moment are staring at me seriously and... Can they be hurt?
Can is standing outside the club staring at us, his camera equipment slung over his shoulder, he is motionless and looking at us with an expression that is not at all serene. We stare into each other's eyes for endless moments until he looks away, lowering his gaze and turning towards the set.