The Autumn Prince

61. Heir of Affliction

Katherine scolded me for twenty minutes when I returned, angry that I hadn't slept with Rachel. She knew what had happened before I told her, thanks to the uncanny affinity she now enjoyed with the other girls, but it wasn't the information that set her off as much as the feelings she picked up afterward. 'Betrayed' was the first word she used to describe it, and even though she took it back, the accusation festered like an injury that wouldn't heal.

Rachel didn't bring it up again, but the change in her behavior hurt more than anything she could have said. I didn't resist or protest because I had convinced myself I deserved every ounce of her ire, though in hindsight the weight I carried was fueled more by self pity and pride. I felt cheated of my own nobility, having remained as true to Katherine as fate allowed and still ending up the bad guy. In all fairness I could have been projecting because I couldn't look at her without remembering, and remembering made me question every choice I made that led her to this place, imprisoned in a relationship she didn't ask for and couldn't leave.

Even that might have been bearable if not for the implication I had left hanging in the air. Was I really in love with Rachel? I didn't believe refusing her contradicted my claim. Hell, giving in would have been the easiest thing in the world, satisfying both her and Katherine and making me the benefactor of a genuine harem. But I loved Katherine, and probably Becca if I had the courage to face it, and that complicated everything.

Loving them wasn't really the problem. I loved Amy too. I loved Tracy and Mason, Dr. Dang and Miss Gold. It wasn't the same, of course, but I'd never thought of love as a limited resource that you had to ration. It was the commitment that worried me. I always believed intimacy was more than a physical act. It was an investment, a sign that you were no longer an individual, that you willingly surrendered part of yourself to another person, physically and emotionally. How could I divide that without diluting it?

Nothing changed the fact that I had to kiss Rachel at least twice every day, but she accepted it politely, even gratefully, and didn't pressure me for more than what was necessary. It was no different from our first days together, and I should have felt relief from the constant pressure against my moral boundaries, but no matter how I spun it in my mind, we had taken a step backward. The lights that often accompanied her seemed to agree, remaining faint, appearing only when she passed by, and all but closed to me.

Meridian suffered through the weekend with apprehensions high, anticipating my father's next move. I wanted to do something—anything—to head off the inevitable discovery of his next victim, but I had no way of knowing where he was or who his target would be. I couldn't even beg him for mercy, as if that would have done any good.

Monday evening came and went but the lack of news offered no peace. He was out there, hurting people connected to us, and in the meantime we could only wonder who he'd chosen. Which of our friends or acquaintances would we never see again? Rachel continued to withdraw and Becca spent more and more time in the arcanum, but Katherine was focused on keeping me emotionally stable through the mounting stress. Her solution was to drag me to her bedroom every few hours. I protested at first because giving free reign to animalistic pleasure seemed profane in the light of unfolding events, but it worked. Those frequent escapes banished my anxiety, if only for a short time, far more effectively than medication ever had. It wasn't just the sex. I felt stronger in the aftermath, more hopeful of the future. At least until I saw Rachel again.

Those days weren't all doom and gloom. By the middle of the week, Becca had another breakthrough in her studies and spent hours prancing around the warehouse, druid's staff in hand, tending the plants like it was her job, and there wasn't a single wilted leaf or blossom that didn't flourish under her enthusiastic care. Once in a while her efforts would reduce the plant to dust, but she remained undeterred, using a clipping from one of its neighbors to restore it.