The Autumn Prince

13. Lions in the Way

Katherine curled up next to me on the sofa while we sat through another episode of Bay City Bae. Marco finally picked Blaise over Melissa, throwing the latter into an emotional tirade that the writers tried to pass off as drama, which lasted several minutes longer than my tolerance for it. It was a testament to the power of media that my girlfriend, an intelligent woman who was firmly on track to become a professional psychologist, watched with rapt attention.

As much as I hated the show, I had to admit it helped me avoid thinking too hard about things I barely understood, which was what I wanted: just a normal evening relaxing with the weight of her body, covered in a shirt she'd pulled out of my closet, resting against my side.

I hesitantly began to unchain feelings I'd forced myself to subdue for a decade. It wouldn't be fair to Katherine if I felt guilt or shame every time her survival depended on my affection, so I allowed myself to feel pleasure in her warmth, the texture of her hair, and that peculiar, sweet odor that seemed to follow her around.

Twice during the show the lights appeared again, but they'd begun to change. Where they were vague ghosts before, they seemed more like explicit parts of my environment with hints of depth and color more than distant, nondescript stars.

Just after nine, Katherine decided she'd try for genuine sleep and invited me to join her.

"I don't think that's a good idea," I told her cautiously.

"Why? We've napped together on your bed before and it wasn't weird."

"It's different now." I sighed, "My bed isn't made for two, and if you started—I mean if you get worked up—"

"You think I might jump you." She said bluntly.

"I'm afraid if you did, I wouldn't be able to stop, and if that happens—it gets worse."

"Worse how?"

"An order of magnitude." I thought back to what Miss Gold had said, "You wouldn't be you anymore, just..."

"A sex puppet." She suggested.

"That's not how I'd have put it."

Katherine looked around the room as if something in it might hold hidden answers. "I don't know how much I can tell you without you wondering if it's really me, and I can't promise you it's true because it's still new, but It feels real. That's all I know right now, and all either of us can act on."

Katherine's self-awareness had always been greater than average, and I envied her ability to step outside her own head. Maybe it was her psych classes. Maybe she was just braver than I was.

"I know you," she continued, "and you'll spend days and weeks beating yourself up over this. I need to make you understand that I haven't changed that much, not my feelings, and not my thoughts. It's stronger for sure, more immediate, and I have to concentrate to keep that intensity under control, but that also means I'm aware of it, that I'm still the one making decisions."

She laid a hand against my cheek. "It also means waiting for a better time isn't an option anymore, and I'm okay with that."

I returned a look brimmed with skepticism.

"I'm serious. You want to know why it's so easy for me to cope? It's because I've been taking things slow for months for you, because I decided you were worth waiting for, not because I needed time to decide. To be perfectly honest, it's kind of liberating. I can stop worrying about you."

"You were worried?"

"Don't play dumb," she admonished. "I'm just saying this is where we'd be anyway if it had been all up to me. I wish it wasn't forced, but that doesn't mean it's bad."