The Autumn Prince

21. Convergence

Katherine and I sat at the kitchen table while Becca slept peacefully on my bed. Her tan baseball cap rested in the center, along with three cups of Miss Gold's magic tea, one each for the two of us, and one for Becca when she woke up.

"Why are you still taking this better than I am?" I asked, but it wasn't a question. We'd been rehashing our emotions while we reviewed our options, which were few, and in the end, we decided to wait for Becca before making any plans. I hadn't actually kissed her, and I hoped that would make a difference, but I didn't really believe it. Miss Gold had said potency was what mattered, not quantity, and had said nothing about the manner of delivery.

Katherine shrugged, "I worked myself up while you were on your way back. I had a whole rant planned, but when you walked in the door carrying her, I couldn't go through with it. By the time we got her settled there didn't seem to be any point." She sighed and put her hand over one of mine. "I'm hurting, but it's not like you think. There's just a dull ache where all the screaming should go."

"You shouldn't hold it in," I said. I wanted her rage. I deserved it for not being more careful, for taking away the exclusiveness that had made everything bearable. It might have been a curse, but it had been ours.

She rolled her eyes, "Psych major, remember? I know it's not healthy to bottle it up, but you're not hearing me. There's nothing to process. It's not dull because I've buried it, it's dull because it feels old, like I've already done the hard work and all that's left is adapting to the change." I shook my head. Not even benzo would have been able to mask what Katherine should be feeling. Unless Miss Gold had something up her sleeve that we didn't know about, Katherine was trapped for life in a relationship that she didn't have sole rights to.

"Yes, part of me wants to cut loose," she continued, "but I can't say I'd rather be bitching about it right now. I thought I was mad at you, but I'm not, just a little sad. I can't promise about her though," she pointed to the bedroom door. She'd been taking unfair shots at Becca, but I couldn't believe she meant them. She'd changed Becca's clothes without prompting, replacing the stiff uniform with one of my shirts and her own pajama bottoms, and had been nothing but tender when she helped me get her settled.

"None of this is her fault," I said, but I understood Katherine's dilemma. I felt robbed of the catharsis her anger might have given me the way she felt robbed of her grief, and Becca was caught between my girlfriend's ire and my own punitive desire to be the target of someone's rage. Those emotions are complex, and they suck, and I wouldn't wish them on my enemies.

"I know it's not rational, and it won't be for a while." Katherine said, annoyed. "What about you? We've been talking about me and her, but you've got to be pissed too."

"Who am I going to get mad at, Kath?

"Your godmother?"

"What does she have to do with it? She told me to be careful. I should have locked myself down, stayed at home."

Katherine fumed. "She also said you had to get that trunk, and you were bound to run into other people. You need help but she's off doing her own thing. Are you supposed to just sit around until she can be bothered to check in?" I wanted to point out that other than a bit of homework, she'd been doing practically nothing for days. I wisely kept my mouth shut. I wanted her mad at me, but not that mad.

After the conversation wound down to sighs and frowns, Katherine got up to check on Becca, then for want of something to pass the time we sat together on the sofa and turned on Bay City Bae. I should clarify that Katherine turned it on, and I was an innocent bystander. It fulfilled its role as a mindless distraction, however, pushing aside feelings I didn't want to deal with. I also wanted some form of punishment that would provide absolution from real-life drama, and enduring the show's writing and terrible acting came close.