Show Me Life

Cuts and Blood

It's 4:30 right now the school will be over in about 15 minutes. Another day about to come to the end. Today is the day Jayden died. 

Today is the day when everything and everyone goes against me for what I have done. Mom and dad stopped caring. They stopped caring long ago.

 They went out of town for some work business. I'm glad they are not turning into alcoholics like most parents do when a loved one dies. But they cut me out of their life and buried themselves into work.

The panic attack episode with Thomas went off kind of awkwardly. I'm glad he helped and even a bit thankful too, Kylie left me alone today cause she knows I need my space. 

I went home took out my keys and unlocked the doors. I'm technically living on my own these days. As the clock turned 6 I started making dinner. 

I got my chopping board and decided to make a salad and some garlic bread. 

I was not eating anything for a couple of days so some fat will do me good. As I was chopping I accidentally forgot about the bread that was warming up in the oven. 

Soon enough I came to deal with burnt bread and a salad that has no vegetables besides lettuce and no seasonings cause someone forgot to go shopping. I used to be such a good cook. I decided to skip dinner and watch some baby videos of Me and Jayden.

As I was watching I slowly started tearing up until I couldn't take it...

I was about to do something horrible. Not drink or smoke or take drugs, but harm me. My head was in the smoke of grey clouds. All I can think of is me killing my baby brother. I needed to get my mind off of it. I went upstairs got my knife from my drawer and stabbed myself.

I did not regret the pain and the blood dripping down my skin. I deserved it. I knew it will become a scar that will remind me of this. And I knew I will be cutting more often now that I did it today. But I don't feel any regret. Not one ounce of regret.

I started wrapping my hand after putting some ointment on it until I heard the door ring. I quickly wrapped my hand and then went downstairs to answer the door.

There I saw Thomas holding a casserole outside.

Thomas was giving me a worried look.

"Hannah, have you eaten anything these past days? when I saw you pass out you looked so pale and fragile." I rolled my eyes As he cared.

"Thomas quit the act. I do want to thank you for this kind gesture your family did for me, but please I know you don't care at all. So stop freaking trying. You are a jerk, and that will never change. So SHUT IT AND GO."

I felt bad I was shouting at him. But honestly shouting at him was letting go of my stress.