Her Dark Shadow

All is what All is

February 18: Ezrynn again, Well-better-bad, Gone

"Please send Corbin Lea to the front office ready to leave." The intercom announces ten minutes into first period.
Mr. Gregory knits his eyebrows at me, but dismisses me all the same.
I walk solemnly toward my destination.

What I find is something I've never thought of seeing before; Mom waiting to pick me up. Wow.
"Hey, Corbsters. Have you had a good morning?" She asks normally.
"Of the ten minutes? Sure, thanks for asking. Why are you here?"
Mom gives me a stern look.
"That will concern you in the car, Mr."
"Whatever. Am I checked out?"
"Yes, let's leave."

Mom bites her lip as we drive away from the school.
"What's up? Did Dad forget I had an appointment or something?"
"No."
"Why are you here?"
"Corbin, it's Ezrynn again."
"What happened?!"
"She's fine! We aren't certain of what caused her to faint, it could've very well been dehydration for all we know." Yeah, right.
"Where is she now?"
"The hospital."
"Are you going to answer my original question? Why are you here?"
"Corbin, it doesn't concern you, do you understand? It's grown up problems, okay?"
"No, it's not okay! You're never home, not even for birthdays! What changed your mind?" She's silent. "Did you know I had ideas that maybe you and Dad divorced and didn't even tell me? Or Ezrynn!"
"Corbin, enough! I told you, it's grown up problems, and I don't want this attitude you have towards it!"
"What'd you expect me to have towards it?! Did you expect me to kiss your feet and praise you for your coming back after abandoning us?"
"Of course not, Corbin, but I didn't expect this hostile disrespect!"
"I didn't expect you to leave me!" I'm yelling, my face red as a strawberry, tears dripping down my cheeks.
Mom looks at me, and all of the anger drains from her face and tone.
"Corbin...you'll find out soon enough, okay?" Her question is calm.
And rhetorical.

"Ezzie!" I say warmly, not wanting to show her how ridged with hate I am.
"Corbin! Why are you here?"
Funny.
"I could ask the same thing...anyway, how're you doing? What happened?"
When I ask the last question, her eyes dart away from mine. She's anxious.
"I'm fine. Thanks for the concern." She looks up, only for a second, and tries a failed smile.
I decide not to push it, whatever it is, only because it made her...faint.
"Hey, Corbsters." Dad walks in the room, pats my back. "How was school?"
"Fine." I say through gritted teeth.
Ezrynn notices my unease, and with it I notice hers, her heart rate went up.
"Why's Ezrynn on a heart monitor?"
"My background. And you can ask me." I'm surprised that she answered, and surprised by her spiteful tone.
"Sorry..." I say hesitantly.
"It's fine." And she looks away entirely, head and all.
"Dad, can we talk in the hall?" I whisper.

"Why's Mom back? The last time I saw her was when Ezrynn was sick, why's she here now?"
"What was her answer?"
"What do you mean?"
"I know you asked your mother the same question, what was her answer?"
"Nothing! Her answer was 'grown up problems!'"
"Then that's mine, too, understand?"
"No, I don't understand!"
"Corbin, we're in the hospital, keep you voice down!"
I sigh.
"What's the matter with Ezrynn?"
"We don't know. She won't tell us. But it was shock, not anything to do with physical health."
"Has she talked to you about anything different?"
"No, I was going to ask you that. She trusts you."
"She trusts you, too."
"Not as much."
And this is the truth. I have her wrapped around my finger.
And she has me wrapped around hers...
"Should I go hang out with her now?"
Dad sighs.
"If you think that'll help, then yes. But don't push her, Corbin, leave her be if she wants to be left be."
"No one wants that. Even if they say they do, they're lying. And you no it." I look at him intensely, a reminder that Mom did the same thing.
Dad heaves another great big sigh.
"I suppose. Then if she wishes not of speaking but of...say holding a hand? Abide, Corbin."
"I will."

The hospital room is empty but of Ezrynn, Dad doesn't want her knowing Mom's back.
When I enter, showing no hesitation, not even hiding the clunk of my footsteps, Ezrynn turns toward me.
She smiles with her lips, without showing her teeth.
The smile doesn't show in her eyes.
"Hello, Corbin. I know you mean well, I do, okay? I love you."
"I love you, too."
"But...but can you leave? I wish to be alone."
"So you can sulk at the window? At the rain in the window?"
Her focus becomes vacant, then here, then vacant again.
"Corbin. Please." And there is longing in her voice, and I am not sure of what she's asking.
For me to leave?
For me to stay?
And ones that come gushing down, one's that hide the fierceness but reveal the heartache, are suddenly present, and I know what "please" meant. She wants someone to hold, she wants a comforter. One that I did not a very good job of when she first came, one that only recently became part if the deal in our sibling relationship, in our friend relationship, one that is now used so often it is surprising it still works, one that is needed. And all I must do is give it to her, hand it over, let her have it, and all will be well. All will be well. All will be well.
Right?
I cross over to her hospital bed, get onto it with her, hold her trembling self in my trembling arms, and all is better. All is better. All is better.
Right?
"Oh, Corbin." Ezrynn let's out bursts of mangled sounds, of sounds you'd never imagine to come from a human being, of sounds that remind other human beings of their own heartache, lost ones, lost things, lost time. "Corbin, he's gone. He's really gone." Ezrynn digs her nails into my back, curls and uncurls her fingers in my shirt, floods my elbows and chest with salt water.
All is bad, all is bad, all is bad.
Right.