Her Safe Place

16 -

Janet <3

Evelyn and I sat in the living room just talking about any and everything. It's become apart of our routine over the years.

"Dunk, what time is it?" She asked. I looked at my watch and it was around twelve.

"Only 12:00pm, why? Where do you need to be?" I asked playfully. Evelyn fake coughed and hit her chest softly.

"I've got a doctors appointment, Toni should be on her way." I couldn't help but laugh at her.

"She's gonna catch you one day. And you know how she gets when she's pissed off. She might beat you for a change." Evelyn did nothing but laugh at me. As we both nearly fell into the floor in laugher we heard someone unlocking the door.

"Okay, okay. Action!" Evelyn whispered to me, letting out one small chuckle before Toni walked in. To this day I still get butterflies at the sight of her.

"Hey, baby." Evelyn said sweetly. I kissed my teeth at her as Toni bent down to hug her. To my surprise Toni actually greeted me this time.

"Hey, Janet." She's still on that first name.. it hurts but I deserve it.

"Hello, Michele." She smiled at me and returned her attention to Evelyn.

"Mother, are you ready?" She asked. Evelyn nodded her head politely and waited for Toni to gather her things from the room. As soon as Toni was out of sight she snapped her head at me.

"Tell her!" She whispered sharply. I widened my eye and looked back at her.

"Tell her?? Now??" I asked in a whisper yell. Evelyn nodded her head excessively as Toni walked back in the living room.

"Oh, Toni dear. Janet has something she wants to tell you." Evelyn shot a smug smile my way. Toni turned her attention towards me, a inquiring expression on her face.

"Yeah?" She asked.

"Uh—"

"Go on..." Evelyn chimed in. Toni gave her a look and she put her hands up in surround.

"I—I.. you love lovely today..."

Toni looked awkwardly between both her mother and I, then she sucked her bottom lip in while inhaling sharply. Rubbing her hands on the sides of her thighs she smiled.

"Thank you, Janet. You look good too." She said. Then helping Evelyn up out of her chair and to the car.

"Oh, Janet's coming with us. I hope you don't mind, dear?" Said Evelyn. Toni raised her eyebrows and widened her eyes.

"Nope. That's fine, mother. It's your appointment." Toni rubbed the back of Evelyn's back as she opened the house door and walked her to the car. Evelyn insisted on sitting in the back, alone. Leaving me to sit in the front with Toni..

Toni <3

Janet looks.. so good. She has her abs out, I hate her so much. No I don't, I love her.. I still love her. Actually, I never stopped loving her. But she left, so I can't love her. I have to hate her... I want to hate her so bad, but that face. God, that face. It's so perfect. I've missed it.. I missed the way she used to look at me. Now every time she looks at me, I look away. That's only because I know I'll get lost, I always get lost in those eyes.

Those magical brown eyes. I wanna hold her hand.. I always held her hand. No matter what we were doing, it was a comfort thing. I think that's what I missed most. Her comfort, how she made me feel. But I have Bree now, and I love Bree. She's my wife. So that means no Janet. What am I saying? Of courses there's no Janet, we mean nothing to one another now. She's basically a stranger, right? There's no feelings.. other than hatred. Hatred for her, because I hate her.

No I don't. God I can't even lie to myself, I was doing so good! And then she came back, and I hugged her.. it brought back everything. Why is she here???

I should just ask, right? Then I'll know. But what if she apologizes?! Of course she'll apologize.. and I'll accept it. Because I still love her, I'll always love her. But! I won't love her in that way—not anymore.. I'm lying. I could never stop loving her the way that I did. I'm stuck in love with her. Forever.. even after eleven of the most painful years of my life. The pain she caused. I keep glancing over at her, she's just staring at me. Even when we locked eyes at a red light for a short second, she doesn't look away.

Jesus! Why is she like this. I keep looking at her hand too. I can tell she knows I want to hold it. Shes reading me again. That's why she's staring so hard. Janet always does that, I hate it. I hate her. God I hate her! Here I am, sitting in the car with the love of my life— ex love of my life. Driving my mother to her doctors appointment like everything is cool. I need to call my therapist... this isn't working.

I can't be around her and not overthink. I've missed her so bad though, I don't know how to feel. God, I don't know how to feel! I'm so stupid.. she does this all the time. Even when she wasn't here. Taking up space in my mind that she doesn't deserve.

What if it wasn't her fault? I mean, Katherine was abusing her.. and that bastard Joseph! I hope they both rot in hell. She could've been kept away, she wasn't staying away. Wait, no. That doesn't work, one of her interviews about ten years ago was about breaking out of her parents control. "How she took it back." So even so, she ignored me. But I don't know for sure, which is why I should ask her! Why can't I just ask?! It's just a question.

Maybe it's because it doesn't matter? Either way I'm glad she's back.. maybe—maybe.. i don't know. I don't I know!

...

I was lost in thought the entire ride to the doctors office. I hadn't spoken a single word to mother nor Janet. The small part of me that wasn't zoned out could head them talking. So I don't feel too bad. As soon as I get home, I'm calling Dr.Ryan's. I can't do this. I'm supposed to be going on tour, and I don't have time to deal with this. Deal with her.

"Why is she here!" I cursed to myself while helping mother up the steps.

"Well, if you ask her she'll tell you. Misses Stubborn!" Mother snapped at me. I hadn't even realized I said that aloud. I guess I'm just too stressed.

"Since you're not asking, stop stressing about it. Child!" Mother snapped again, she sat at a waiting chair while I went up to the front desk. I sat next to mother and Janet sat next to me.

She smells amazing, still. Vanilla—She smells like vanilla, I love that smell. I've been obsessed since a child. Janet knows that.. I'm the one who gave her the first perfume she's ever used. And it was vanilla.

"We've got to talk, for real." I said lowly. My eyes locked with Janet's the minute I turned my head to face her. She nodded her head, giving a sad smile. Now all that's left to do is wait. It shouldn't be hard, right? It's just a few more hours.. no big deal. Well more like one more day, I definitely need to talk to Dr.Ryans before anything..

"why is she her!!?" I yelled inside my head. It made me frustrated that I didn't know. But even more frustrated at the fact that it's my fault I don't know. I just want her to go away, but to never leave again. I wanna forget about her so bad.. but I don't wanna lose our memories! I'm confused, god dammit! Bree was right. A therapy check in is much needed.

~~~~

Toni's POV is mostly her thoughts running wild. If I'm honest that's exactly how I think😂!

Why do you think Toni's so conflicted on her emotions?

Vote and comment to let me lnow🫀.