[Moreid] The journey of finding a home

7.2

It all had been so magical.

Living together, sharing a house.

After some time adjusting it was all Derek expected. They spared time, Spencer felt comfortable, he uses the attic to be on his own if he needs it but at night crawls back into their shared bed.

"What's this?" Derek had asked after coming home from jogging seeing Spencer in their bedroom.

"My book collection I had as a kid."

"And what is it doing here?"

"My mom would read me bed time stories out of it. I wanted to keep them in the bedroom so I have the opportunity to read them myself."

"You need a shelve for that?"

"No I will just stack them." They ended up buying one in an old antique store that day, only as high as the bed fitting perfectly the few books in. "Thank you"

"You don't have to thank me for that."

"I want to."

"I love you" Derek had crouched down behind him wrapping his arms around him. "And I love seeing you get comfortable here."

Not that there weren't many things of Spencer's before around the house now it's unmissable that he lives here, books everywhere and his things all spread around the house and Derek is to tired to care now.

"Why are you crying?"

"I am just really tired."

"It's not that late and we barely did anything today." He tells him while Derek sighs and gets up walking into the kitchen to take Spencer's food out of the microwave.

"Eat this and then do your night routine and come to bed."

"It's way to early."

"I will be in bed. You can watch TV or read till it's time for you to do your night routine."

"Can I use your tablet?"

"Sure" Derek walks into the living room getting it for him. Ignoring the invites to the funeral next to it. "Good Night, love you."

"I Love you too."

Walking up he doesn't even change completely before laying down on the bed and after a few second of silence he breaks out in tears and brings his hand to his face to try to shield the noises so Spencer won't hear and no matter how much he tries he can't stop and eventually he feels a weight on him and Spencer wraps his arms around him and presses his face to his.

"I am sorry" Derek brings out and Spencer adjusts his legs and just hugs him tighter till Derek calms down and his breathing slows out evens out. "I am okay."

"I am sorry I said that we barely didn't do anything today that was wrong."

"Its okay, this wasn't your fault."

"Do you want me to read to you?" He asks holding himself on one arm, his free hand wiping the tears of Derek's face. "Something light?"

"No it's okay but thank you." He studies Spencer's facial expression for a moment how he is concentrated on making Derek feel safe, how he bites down on the tip of his tongue while he let's his palm run over the man's cheek. "I love you so much, you can't even imagine how much."

"Emily said that she loves me the other week." Spencer brings out his eyes focusing Derek's face but not eyes. Sometimes he dares to make eye contact. Not for long but sometimes he does but this must already be uncomfortable for him Derek figures. "It just slipped out but she said 'That's why I love you'"

"She loved you very much."

"Her mother said today that she was happy to meet me, because she spoke of me like the little brother she never had."

"She really did that huh?" Derek takes his hand up and strokes a hair strain back behind Spencer's ear. "Listen, what happened with Emily is not something you have to be silent about okay? You are allowed to feel whatever you think you are feeling and it's okay if that varies from me,or JJ, or Garcia."

"I am fine."

"Then that is okay too. Sometimes it takes a while for a person to realise you don't have to force any feelings or pretend."

"Did you think too that- that JJ, Hotch and Rossi looked not really bothered? JJ didn't even cry and Hotch kept looking at his watch and Rossi ducked his head the whole time."

"Like I said everyone deals differently."

For Spencer it is pretty quickly obvious how Derek deals over the next days.

He is angry and distant but also exhausted. And he can tell by the way he acts when they are alone that he tries to make Spencer comfortable but also can't keep up the same facade he keeps up with the team.

"You can go to bed it's fine."

"Promise you make yourself Dinner?"

"Yes"

"Alright." Without a second thought, without a hug or a kiss he walks up the stairs and Spencer sits alone in the kitchen again, watching a documentary while sitting on the chair waiting for his time to eat food and when he does he forces half of it in and puts his dishes on the sink and curls up on the couch reading his book while Clooney lays beside him.

Before Emily died Derek would play games with him now, they even started a video game together, or they would watch a movie, or maybe take a walk with Clooney so eventually he takes the dogs leash and clicks it to the collar and quickly rushes up the stairs to tell Morgan were he is going. "Do what you want." The man just answers and turns around, his eyes still closed, he just wants to sleep, wants not to feel the shame he feels when he is awake, for not being fast enough. For being to judgemental when Emily needed help.
When he questioned her instead using this sceptics to question the real unsub.

Feeling guilty for waking him up Spencer sneaks down the stairs again, putting his shoes on and pulling over his jacket and takes Clooney by his leash and leaves the house. "Don't worry Morgan is going to feel better soon and then we can walk together again."

The dog mostly leads the way they always walk while Spencer is close to tears knowing he never did this alone before, skittish over every branch that breaks under his feet and the closer they get to the forest part, the more tears build in his eyes and right when Clooney tries leading them down the path, he takes all his strength pulling the dog back who barks once but follows Spencer's command and then starts jumping at him.

"I am sorry- I am sorry." Spencer brings out and the dog just keeps jumping and he knows the worst thing he could do is let go of the leash, so he wraps it around his hand again but he is scared because Clooney never jumped at him like this before he only does with Morgan because he conditioned him to not do that with Spencer too.

And Clooney is barking, it's late in the evening why is he barking so loud? And Spencer brings his hands up to his ears and takes a step back, stepping back on the sidewalk while Clooney keeps jumping and barking. Barking so goddamn loud.

He knows what he needs to do. "Quiet" Is the right comment and "Sit" but he can't bring it out and why does he not stop? Clooney doesn't act this way? What if he attacks him? What if he runs away? What if he runs into the dark forest and he is all alone? And his barks, why won't his barks not stop? Why can he not tell that he hurts him? Clooney never barks. Clooney is a quiet dog. Clooney is his dog.

"Hello" Annoyed Derek picks up the phone.

"This is Officer Brooks, am I speaking to Special Agent Derek Morgan?"

"Yes, what can I do for you?" Tired he sits up on the bed and looks over to Spencer who is not there and his heart drops in the same moment as the officer begins to speak again.

"I am here with Dr. Spencer Reid-"

"Is he okay?"

"He is physically fine would you be able to pick him up?"

"Of course. Yes. Were are you?"