Unfamiliarity | Wilhemina Venable

part fourteen| blurry vision

tw: depression and slight mention of suicide

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It was Sunday, and a week had passed. A week. There were no calls, no knocks on my front door at 2 am, no text messages asking if I was okay, no letters sent in the mail. For the first time in my life I felt completely alone. Although i've been lonely for as long as I can remember, there'd always been somebody there. Whether it be one of my friends from my childhood or the nanny my parents left me with, there was always somebody. But this time was different. I was completely alone, and it was eating me alive.

I hadn't showered. I barely ate and rarely got up from my bed. The only times i'd leave my room were when the mailman came or when the hunger was too hard to bare, and i'd force myself to scarf down a slice of bread while I answered the door. Every time there was a knock I hoped it was Wilhemina, and if not her, somebody that came looking for me. But to my dismay, it was always a young highschool boy greeting me with a "mail miss" and faintly smiling before heading down the stairs and to the next apartment.

The longer I stayed in my room, the more insane I went. Nothing interested me. I'd scroll through my phone, look at old messages between Wilhemina and I, start crying, and pass out from malnutrition. That was the constant loop I was stuck on, as if I were a hamster unable to get off it's spinning wheel.

Nights started to feel like my day. I would sleep when the sun rose, and stay up into the late hours of the night, connecting the stars while listening to crows make conversation on the rooftops. Maybe even read a book or two, using the dim table lamp in my room to illuminate the pages in front of me. Books seemed to be the only way I could escape now. Escape from this horrible reality I had to continue living.

To think that Wilhemina and I would last. I was an idiot, a pathetic self-centered idiot. How stupid was I to believe that she'd stay with me? I should've trusted my gut in the beginning. I should've told myself this wasn't a good idea, and that this was a huge game she was playing with me. I knew it from the start. I should never have trusted Wilhemina. I wish I never met her in the first place, then maybe I wouldn't be contemplating jumping off the fire escape while shaking on the floor, and battling with my mind on whether or not I should keep breathing.

There was nothing keeping me alive at this point. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how hard I tried. I surely didn't have a job anymore, I had no one to wake up to, my parents didn't care about me, my friends had left me ages ago. I didn't know why I kept living in this awful song stuck on repeat. Maybe because there was something holding me back. An ounce of hope that hadn't gone away just yet. Hope that Wilhemina would come knocking on my door saying how much she loved me, and pull me in for a tight hug, never letting go.

No matter how much I told myself Wilhemina wasn't the one, and there were plenty of other people I could find, I found myself gravitating towards her. All my thoughts were filled with memories of her, and only her. My soul was wrapped around this woman's fingertips and I didn't know how to untangle myself. No matter how much it hurt being with her, I was willing to keep hurting. I was willing to skin myself alive for Wilhemina, and that's a terrifying thing.

I'd eventually had enough of looking at the disgustingly plain walls surrounding me. It might've taken me a week, but I was finally able to get out of bed. I went straight to the shower, avoiding my reflection in the mirror because I knew if I looked at her, i'd start to spiral.

The heat of the water stung my skin, but it made up for the physical contact I so desperately craved, so I let it burn me. I was finally able to wash my hair and untangle the matted parts with a comb; using nearly the entire bottle of conditioner. I quickly grew tired so I ended up sitting on the tile floor while untangling the last bits.