The Art of Still Pretending

One

Blair
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   "Hey lover."

   I lift my head from my books, and look at my roommate.

   "Hey Natalie." I smile at her.

   She's my roommate, best friend, and the girl that keeps interrupting me from my much needed studying.

"Let's go out." Natalie grinned at me.

"I need to study." This earned a groan from her.

"It's our first year of college, and after all you've been through. You need to live a little."

I think about her last sentence and groan. I did tell myself I was going to live, I promised it to myself. And here I was, on a Saturday night my first month into college, studying. Not having been to one party. All it has been is class, work, homework repeat.

I need to get good grades, not because I'm on a scholarship or anything. I just want to make it in life, and I want to make it big. Then give a big fuck you to my dad and be done with him.

"I need to..."

   "If you say study, as much as I love you Blair, I will slap you."

   I do stupid things a lot. Underestimating Natalie, is one of those things. If I could give everyone a piece of advice, always believe Natalie Brown. "Study." I finished my sentence. Not even a few seconds go by when I feel her hand slap the side of my arm. "Owww." I complained rubbing the red spot.

   "Now, get your ass up and get dress. Noah's frat is having a party, he was told to invite hot women, we have been the hot women he has invited."

  Did I forget to mention Noah goes to the same college as us? It was very unplanned also. Natalie and I had always plan to go to college together. Last year, I fessed up and told her everything about my dad. She had made it her mission for us to get the farthest away from him. Noah happened to be going there on a football scholarship.

    I look at Natalie with an annoyed look. "You need to get a life." She looks at me and sighs, "After the whole thing with..." I give her a pointed look. "He who shall not be named. You've been going back to your old self. You've been sad and not wanting to do anything. And I'm sorry Blair, but your old self, as much as I loved her, sucked. And I hate to say this, but he brought out a new side of you. And I've never seen you that happy." I see tears starting to form in her eyes. Natalie has felt guilty the passed couple of months, she thinks she's been a terrible friend for not noticing what had been going on with my dad. Its not her fault of course, but no matter how much I tell her that, she still feels guilty.

   "Ok," I give her a grim smile. "I will go." A wide smile grows on her face, she's practically beaming.

   "Oh my god!" She screams running up to me and hugging me. "I am so excited. Oh my god yes. Oh shit..." she mumbles. "Damn, now I owe Noah twenty bucks."

   "What?" I raise an eyebrow at her. Her eyes widen and she shoots me a wink.

   "Oh, nothing."

I look at her and roll my eyes. Noah and Natalie loved to bet on things about me. For the stupidest things. For example, last week they bet on if I would eat eggs for breakfast or a bagel. This is what happens when you give kids too much money. That they have no idea how to spend it. They don't bet big amounts, mostly five or ten dollars. But it's so pointless, and incredibly stupid.

"You guys are five year olds." I smile, so she knows I'm only teasing.

"Oh no fair," her mouth hangs open. "Do not group me with him, he's a different breed." I roll my eyes and laugh.

Last year I had came to the realization, that I was a shitty friend to Natalie. She has been nothing but there for me and I abandoned her. So I made sure to invite her everywhere I went with Emma. It helped that Natalie was also back together with Zach.

It also helped I wasn't hanging out with Grayson anymore. My chest tightens at even thinking of him. Yea, loving your friend? Not a good idea. Because when his girlfriend finds out, she won't want you being near him. He did put on a fight, but that just caused more fights. And I liked him, a lot. No I loved him, a lot. And he knew that he was hurting me, and didn't like it. So we came to the mutual conclusion, to not longer see each other anymore, as friends.

It was like we went through a whole breakup. It was very awkward with the group at first. Everyone started picking sides, not that they needed to. Carter, as you guessed, picked Grayson. Emma, picked mine. It was like we were a divorced couple splitting up the kids. Noah luckily hung out with both of us. Zack had no choice to hangout with me, because Natalie would of cut off his balls if he said anything against it.

If it wasn't for Noah's little crush on me, he would most likely be team Grayson. Yes, after all this time. Noah still does have a crush on me. And I've tried, no I'm trying, to feel something towards him. But I can't. And I know this makes me a shitty person, but I did use him at first. Exactly how I was used.

We slept together...

I thought it would make me forget about Grayson, or even help me to start liking Noah. But, it didn't. And I regret it so much, but I would never tell him that. I went to Natalie's that night and cried for hours. I know I said I'd heal.... but I guess it doesn't take over night.

    But do you know what will help it? Alcohol. Alcohol, either your best friend or the biggest bitch. Tonight, hopefully my best friend.
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