The Red Bull Party Girl |ON HOLD|

43. Talking

He looked stunning. With his race overall sitting low on his hips, his delectable body on show thanks to his tight fireproof top and even with a few pressure marks on his skin thanks to his balaclava and helmet, he just looked stunning.

He looked at me like I was the last person on this earth that he wanted to be stuck in a small room with. I couldn't blame him; we were both grieving and I'd blamed him for our loss when it hadn't been his fault at all, it had been no ones fault, it just wasn't meant to be.

I got up from my chair, our eyes still fixed on each other, he looked wary of me. "Seb." I took a step closer to him.

"No! Stop!" He put his hands out to stop me and then moved around the small office until the desk was providing him with a barrier between us.

"Please, I'm begging you!" I leant towards him, placing my palms on the desk. "If I could rewind and not say what I'd said to you then I would, I didn't mean it, I know it's not your fault! Please just talk to me!"

"Why have you been acting as if our baby meant nothing to you?!" He spat, starting to pace backwards and forwards a few times before stopping to wait for my answer.

"What?" His question made me feel sick. Did he really think that I didn't care? I hit him back with my own question. "Why wouldn't you talk to me about Jules' accident and why did you choose instead to push me away?"

He fell silent and turned his back on me, deciding instead to stare out of a small window. We were going to get nowhere unless we talked and after being so angry with him and saying that I wouldn't want him back if he was always going to run at the first sign of trouble, it hit me that I didn't want to lose him. I loved him too much. His shoulders rose and fell as he let out a big sigh and I quietly made my way around the desk, stopping right behind him. Now he was so close to me that I could touch him. "I'm sorry if you think I've acted like I didn't care about the baby but believe me, I do. These last couple of weeks have been so hard for me, I've been functioning on autopilot. Not living but just existing. It's been the worst thing I've ever been through and I went through it on my own...."

"You refused to see me at the hospital, I was desperate to be there for you but you wouldn't see me." He cut me off, spinning round to face me. I could now see how he'd been suffering too, he'd been dealing with the horror of seeing a fellow driver involved in a terrible accident that had resulted in a serious head injury and he'd then been given the news of my miscarriage and when he'd gone to the hospital to be with me I'd refused to even see him. He looked tired with shadows under his eyes, really unusual for him. He looked really low and like he could just do with someone to hold him and tell him that everything was going to be alright.

I reached out and gingerly placed my fingertips on his chest, when he didn't make any move to push me away I laid my hand flat, moving it until I could feel his heartbeat. "I'm sorry." I whispered, taking another step to close the gap between us. "I'm sorry for everything, I was dealing with you putting the brakes on us and when it happened....I felt so angry as well as heartbroken." I looked from my hand, upwards to his beautiful face where I could see his tears were bubbling under the surface. "I love you Seb, I really love you."

"Harps." He rasped, pulling me close and wrapping himself around me, burying his face into my hair. It wasn't long before I could feel his chest and shoulders shake as he cried and I began to let myself think that maybe I'd made a breakthrough with him. Of course, I knew he was upset about the baby but I also figured that this release of emotion was an after effect of Jules' accident. Maybe now he'd finally talk about it, after we'd talked about the miscarriage first.

We must have spent at least ten minutes just standing there holding each other with him quietly crying on my shoulder and I let a few tears go too, feeling like we were beginning to deal with our loss together. I held him tightly, now I'd got him in my arms I didn't want to ever let go of him and despite our sadness it felt so good to be in his embrace. Everything else just faded away, we were here, together in our own little world.