Losing Game -Rosenali

stars

  Denali didn't understand many things. Some of the things she didn't understand were simple, such as chemistry, some branches of math, certain ice skating tricks, but some of them were more complex. She looked over at Olivia, who was sleeping beside her. She didn't understand how Olivia was so nice, and caring all the time. It must be exhausting. Denali sat up slowly so she didn't wake Olivia. Gigi was passed out on the foot of her bed. Denali didn't understand how she could be so perfect, and yet a mess at the same time. She looked over at Kahmora, who was on Olivia's other side. Kahmora claimed that she hated affection, but she was snuggled into Olivia's side. Denali didn't understand how she was always so strong.

Denali slipped off her bed and quietly opened the door to her room. She went downstairs and out to her backyard. She stared up at the stars as she let herself become wrapped up in confusing thoughts. She didn't understand how someone could lie to someone like it was nothing. Whenever she lied, she always felt immense guilt for days afterwords. She didn't understand how someone could watch their friend in a relationship where they were bound to get their heart broken, and sit back and say nothing. She didn't understand how she could have been so stupid to put herself in yet another situation where she could get hurt.

Denali shivered slightly even though it wasn't cold. She felt the tears falling down her cheeks, and didn't attempt to wipe them away. They were warm, and strangely the warmth was comforting. Denali laid back in the grass, staring up at the sky. It was so big, and she was so tiny. And her thoughts were consuming her.

Denali didn't understand how someone could accept a dare knowing that it could only end with the person involved getting hurt. She didn't understand how someone could lie to the person that they claimed to love for months. She didn't understand that no matter what she did, she always seemed to get hurt. She never seemed to be enough for anything. She didn't understand how someone could love her.

Olivia always said she loved her, but Denali felt like more of a burden to her. A childhood friend that she felt responsibility over. Kahmora said she loved her, but Denali felt more like a hassle to her. One that she was always having to defend and stick up for. Gigi said she loved her, but Denali felt more like a mishap to her. One that Gigi had stumbled upon accidentally that she was stuck with. Her dad said her loved her, he was her daughter after all. But he was never around. Rosé had said she loved her that night, but she felt like a dare to Rosé. And that's all she ever was.

Denali didn't understand how someone like Dahlia, who had outed her to the entire school would care enough to warn her about Rosé. She didn't understand how she didn't hate Dahlia. Dahlia, the girl who had dated her in secret. Whispered sweet nothings, held her hand under tables, kissed her in private, outed her in public. Denali put a hand over her eyes, she didn't want to see the stars anymore. Denali couldn't understand why her dating always ended in disaster.

Denali didn't understand how Rosé could string her along. She had completed her dare and slept with Denali, what was the point in staying with her after? What was the point in cuddling her and saying stupid things like they would be together forever? Did Rosé want to make her feel like this, helpless and stupid. Heartbroken and blindsided. She rolled her eyes thinking about it. She didn't understand how she trusted Rosé so completely. Especially after everything she had been through. She didn't understand how Rosé could continue to lie to her after everything she had told her. She didn't understand how even after everything she didn't hate Rosé. She wanted to hate her so badly. She wished she didn't care about her, but she didn't. She loved Rosé, she had known that she was in love her subconsciously for awhile but things had solidified once Dahlia told her about the dare.

She had only experienced hurt like this twice before. She removed her hand from over her eyes to stare at the sky again. She must fallen asleep because when she heard the backdoor open, it was a little brighter outside.