Oh Boy! (BL)

0 - Memory: Letting Go

August 2021

The rain is still falling heavily from the sky when I let my hand glide over the once white, now yellow-ish grey cover of Genesis X. Eleven years ago, Charles gave it to me on an evening that would change so much for me; even though, I didn't realize it back then. Now, I'm returning it to him, hoping that, if I leave it behind, it will help me to get over the past. I read the special edition of Genesis X once; and then never opened it again.

Not only because looking at it alone has always revived memories of a past I need to forget. But because of the personal message it contains.

When my fingers reach the edge of the lid, I hesitate; but in the end, I can't resist and open the novel one last time before letting go of it forever. I didn't read the novel right away – too troubled by the chaos of emotions fighting in my body. After leaving Clay's car in a hurry, I had rushed into our tiny apartment, let myself fall backward onto my sofa bed, and stared at the water stains on the ceiling. Why had he kissed me? I knew it had to be out of pity – I mean, practically all he did was getting back at that girl for her bitchy behavior - but a part of me was wondering if there was something else – which was ridiculous...wasn't it?

There was so much I didn't know yet.

I fell asleep right then and there; forgotten was the gift I had received from my favorite author. That's why I didn't discover what Charles wanted to tell me when giving me the novel. Flipping through the old pages now, with fingers that are wet from the rain, I stop at the very first page. For a moment, my eyes linger on Charles's fancy signature before moving to the words he'd written down just for me.

Young love is precious, Kenji. And I can feel the love between you and your friend blossom just by looking at you. Don't hesitate. Don't doubt it. Accept the gift that's right in front of you; for love is the most beautiful and precious gift that life will ever give you.

Charles knew that Clay and I would become more than friends just by looking at us once, while we ourselves were not able to see what was right in front of us until later that year when we stumbled into a relationship that gave us as much pain as it had given us happiness. We tried and we failed. Yet, I still wonder what would've happened if I had found this note immediately and not months later when it was already too late.

Maybe we would've ended differently.

Maybe not...

We'll never know. That's the only thing set in stone.

"You sure you wanna leave it here?"

My hand lets go of the novel when Josh stops next to me. Both of us are drenched in rain and none of us cares too much about it. Would serve me right if I ended up getting pneumonia... "Yeah," I say quietly and get up with stiff knees.

"Memories define who we are. The pain we suffered, the dreams we had, the love we felt." Josh quietly reads out the words engraved in Charles's onyx gravestone as if to remind me that leaving the novel wouldn't change the past. "One day, we'll be memories, too. Memories that will shape the people of tomorrow. The people we love today."

"Memories define who we are," I agree while patting Josh's shoulder before turning away from the grave. "But sometimes we need to let them go."

Josh sighs behind me but I don't wait for him to ask me another time if I am sure about this. Because I'm not. I don't trust myself enough to turn around again; afraid I'll take the novel and run. My feet slowly carry me over the gravel path that leads to the cemetery's entrance. The parking lot that has been full of cars mere moments ago is now empty safe for a single blue sedan. I still wonder why the rental service had to give me a blue sedan. Why does everything these days remind me of Clay?

Sighing, I hand Josh the keys to my rental - I don't have to turn around to know that he followed me from the grave - but he declines. "I don't think I should drive right now."

Yeah...probably not.

"Wanna walk together, then?" I ask while making sure the car is locked since I'll abandon it for at least one day.

"Nah, I have the same destination but prefer walking separately." Snorting, he puts an arm around my slim shoulders; a gesture that sometimes causes confusion and makes people assume we're a couple. But we're not. We're very close friends. We're guildmates. And that will never change. "Let's go, boss."

In silence, we start the twenty-minute walk back to the hotel in which the funeral reception will take place; both stuck in our own thoughts, our own memories.

The path to the hotel is muddy, our shoes will be ruined for sure, but I couldn't care less. I mean, it's just shoes. Only after a long moment of silence, Josh murmurs quietly with his brown eyes glued to the spot where the hotel's silhouette slowly appears in the distance: "Do you..."

He breaks off.

"Huh?"

"Do you still think about that time?"

That time...

"Yeah," I confess after a moment. "I do. A lot."

"Have you ever thought of reaching out..."

"No," I interrupt him. I know Josh means well but...no. "He's living his dream, Josh. No need for me to tear open scarred wounds."

His brief silence says more than a hundred words. "Then...maybe you should stop thinking about him?"

"I wish I could, Josh." I kick a pebble that lies on the path in front of me. "But I can't."

"Why not?"

Because he keeps coming back to me.