Oh Boy! (BL)

0 - Memory: The End (1/4)

August 2021

Seattle. A place that was supposed to be Mom and my chance for a fresh start soon became a memory. I learned a lot about myself in those three years; even more in the few months before I left the Emerald city for good. Today, I learn that I can still feel cold despite the warm rays of the morning sun. They embrace me while I walk down the muddy path that leads from our small hotel to the cemetery where we said goodbye to Charles forever.

I cuddle deeper into my dark grey sweater to fight the cold inside my body.

Those last memories of my past life in Seattle are what hurt the most. They are painful for what happened, for every what if that has been running through my mind ever since; and they are painful for the things that never occurred.

Mom didn't get the miracle we had been hoping for. The miracle she would have deserved.

My grandparents never got the chance to talk to their daughter again.

I never got to hear her tender voice, or her gentle laughter.

There are a lot of things that never occurred.

As for my first love...

We got a fight, and we got pain, but we never really got to say goodbye.

And maybe it's this lack of closure that makes me cling to the past.

I've never seen Clay again after our fight. Glimmer Ball will forever be the last time I was close to him. And that last time will always be tied to the hurt look in his eyes, the ice in his voice, and the pain I felt.

I rub my chest where it hurts the most.

Still, during my first weeks at North Western Medical, when I couldn't do much more than lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling, I would wonder if he was going to stop by - and if it was just to see if I was alive. He must've known about the accident, right? I mean, our high school was a gossip factory that never stopped producing content.

But Clay didn't show up.

Maybe he just didn't care anymore.

Yes, there was a time when I was angry at him. When just thinking about Clay painted a royal frown on my face, and I did everything to push the thoughts about him away. But that mood never lasted long. More than anger, I felt lonely. I missed him.

So much.

At some point, I gave up waiting for him and accepted that this was it for us.

I stop on my way to the cemetery and run a hand over my face. I gave up waiting? Accepted it? Yeah...then why are there still times when I lie awake till late at night wondering if he ever thinks about me; or if there are things he doesn't regret about our time - because I am positive that he regrets most of it.

And now look at me: the guy who still clings to a decade-old memory. "Pathetic," I whisper and order my feet to move. Isn't that the exact reason why I'm doing this?, I wonder while each step carries me closer to the iron gates of the cemetery. Because I can let go now?

After a moment of hesitation, I lift one hand to my left ear and pull out the black star pin which Clay abandoned on the night of Glimmer Ball. It got damaged during my accident - when I held on to it so tightly that it somehow stuck to my clothes and didn't get lost in between the broken glass and my broken body. Most people would've probably thrown it away, but when I found it among the things the EMTs had brought with me to the hospital I couldn't let go.

Hell, I even got my ear pierced to wear it!

Once it was meant as a promise for Clay's bright future, and now...his dream became true.