nothing without you

4-Skeleton

A/N: I don't exactly know what could trigger someone but I'm going to put a trigger warning for anorexia, dieting and rape before certain parts in this chapter.
~~~~
The school day came to an end faster than usual. The first day is always more exciting than any other day of school. I send Aiden a quick text:

Me: where r u?
bro 😎 : oh shit

I call him bro a lot because I think it's hilarious to make fun of how guys talk.

bro 😎 : I'm so sorry I made plans with a friend I havent seen in a while can u get a ride with jay or kailey or someone
bro 😎 : sorry sorry sorry
bro 😎 : I can cancel if u want I should've given further notice
Me: it's totally fine imma catch a ride with jay

Wait. Who was he hanging out with? He doesn't have any friends. Kidding. He has more friends than me but I love making fun of him regardless.

Me: what friends? I thought u had none
bro 😎 : fuck off
Me: oooh is it a girl?
bro 😎 : you know goddamn well I'm not gonna go out with any girls after lay
Me: oops forgot that was a sore subject
Me: sooooo who is it then??
bro 😎 : some friends from the team we're hanging out but I'll be back later so we can talk and u can tell me abt ur day k?
Me: ok ily stay safe
bro 😎 : if I die know that ily

This was kind of our joke. We both overthink everything and as a result anytime we say goodbye to someone, the first thought that passes through our head is that if they die what should the last thing I say to them be. We kind of both started acknowledging this and just making a joke of it.

Me: if u die say hi to Lucifer for me
bro 😎 : same goes to u
Me: ofc

We have an interesting relationship. But I love him. I mean he is my twin.

I text Jay asking for a ride and he says of course.

On the car ride he puts on his favorite band ever, one direction. His obsession with them makes me laugh every time. I don't blame him, I mean they are really hot and have real cute personalities. If I had time to obsess over them, I probably would.

He puts on "act my age", which literally sounds like an Irish Jig. It's honestly catchy though.

He pulls up to my house.

"Thanks Jay-Jay! For the ride and the amazing music!" I blow him a kiss as I walk inside my house.

The plus of it being the first day is I don't have any homework that I can't push off so I go upstairs and start sketching, just letting my hand do the work.

I let myself draw what I want, not thinking about it.

T/W: anorexia, dieting, rape

When I look at what I realize I've been drawing, I see a bread basket.

Fuck.

I shouldn't be thinking about food this much.

Maybe I should just eat? No.

I need to diet until I'm finally comfortable with my body again. This might be slightly unhealthy but it will end up good for me.

It has to be good for me or I will always be with a place that still feels so violated as my body.

This is normal, it's just no one shows their weaknesses. No one needs to know about that day as long as I keep pretending.

Just keep faking my smile until it becomes real. Or as real as it will get after that day.

The day when he touched me. He touched me in places I didn't want him to but if I tell anyone then he'll do it again. I just have to pretend it didn't happen.

The only way to pretend is if I feel comfortable with myself again. The only way to be comfortable with myself again is if I lose weight.

I rip the piece of paper with bread drawn on it out of my sketchbook and crumple it, throwing it into the garbage.

I start something else, this time controlling my hand.

I draw a skeleton, outlining the skin just around each bone no farther than that. That's how I should be. I don't need any extra skin there, it just gives me extra fat.

I look at my face in the mirror before drawing my face onto the skeleton body.

If only.

T/W: ENDED

I snap myself out of my thoughts and decide to go through the pictures I already edited of myself from yesterday at the gallery.

I find one I like and post it on Instagram. Why not.

I go downstairs to see what's going on with the fam.

I'm clearly bored out of my mind.

No ones home.

I take advantage of this as I always do and take off my shirt just in a bra because shirts are such a hassle. I happen to be wearing a nice bra. Surprising. I'm wearing a black lace one, and I don't remember but the thought process was probably "let's wear a matching bra and underwear for the first day of school."

I grab my phone from upstairs and blast American idiot by Green Day. I get onto the kitchen island,

dancing. And then I put on Don't Blame Me by Taylor Swift knowing the dance from what she did on tour because of Leila and Jay since they love that documentary performance on Netflix. They made me learn it with them and it's such a fucking bop.

I'm singing with her of course.

The high note in this song, my favorite part is coming up.

It was during this time that the door decided to open.
~~~~
A/N: this chapter is dark I know. I will continue putting trigger warnings before any scene that could trigger anyone who reads.

I love this next chapter so much it's abnormal so prepare mentally. I'm gonna try and edit and get it out to you very soon (like either tonight or tomorrow)

anywhore this was a fun chapter. I love her and aidens relationship they are too cute. Also I definitely needed to add some fun stuff to Jays personality so I feel like him being a one directioner would be cool. Anyone who is too..same besties

Kisses 💋
x