Broken Promises / / A Falice Story

Chapter 75

However, Alice didn't fal asleep again. But after FP did she climbed out of bed and went to sit on a chair that she moved close to the window. She thought he was asleep so half an hour later when she felt someone's hand on her she startled and almost jumped. "Why aren't you asleep?"

"Why aren't you asleep?" FP returned the question and Alice sighed. She looked up at him. "I'm worried Alice."

"I'm sorry I'm making you worry about me." Alice whispered without avoiding his eyes even though she so desperately wanted to. "I really am."

"You're hiding something Alice." FP told her as he knelt down in front of her. She followed him with her eyes. "What is it? Is it the thing you're not ready to talk about? Your uninterrupted sleeping?"

"Close your eyes." Alice urged FP to do so and she kept repeating that until he finally closed his eyes. "Wait a second." She stood up from the chair and walked to the bed. She sat on it with her back to FP. She didn't want to have to see him open his eyes and stare at her after he heard the truth. "Ready?"

"Where did you go?" Alice heard FP ask but he didn't move, she was grateful for that.

"I'm on the bed, just stay there." Alice said and she was glad he listened to her. "I started drinking."
She paused for a moment, no audible reaction, but she was still scared to look at him so she didn't. "To numb the pain, then I realised it helped me sleep if I drank enough. So I did. I drank a lot to sleep, but I didn't have any nightmares. It's bad, it's terrible that alcohol got me through those nights, through those days, but it did."

FP remained silent waiting for her to say more but she didn't. "Can I open my eyes now?" He asked surprising Alice with the fact that his eyes were still closed.

"Yes." Alice swallowed hard. She heard him stand up and soon felt his hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm so ashamed."

"Do you feel the need to drink now that you can't sleep?" FP asked, his head above hers and Alice threw hers back to look at him.

"It would be so easy." She whispered, all her shame could be heard. "One time, it was a bit after a year of your coma passed. Jellybean was at a friend and I spent the night alone. I thought for a moment that all I needed was another bottle or to start driving and it would all end. It's boring I know, I tried to kill myself once already so-"

"This isn't boring Alice." FP cut her off, his heart breaking more with every word she said. "You didn't hurt yourself, did you?" He was so hopeful she didn't, but by the look in her eyes he knew she did. "How?"

"I found a pack of cigarettes in a jacket of yours. I was burnt before and the feeling of it happening again brought terrible memories but also relief, emotional relief. It's easier to handle physical pain than emotional pain." Alice explained mechanically because she had been repeating those words in her head over and over again ever since FP had woken up. "So I did it. When it would be too hard to bear I would just do it."

FP didn't say another word for a moment. He sat on the bed to Alice's right and hugged her tightly. It was the first thing he thought of doing that could maybe help a little. "Alice-"

"Sh!" Alice looked up and pressed her index finger to his lips. "I'm a mess-"

"A beautiful mess." FP cut her off and grabber her finger with his hand. "Let me put you back together."

"I don't have all the pieces." Alice whimpered. Her eyes were filled with tears. She felt her heart break with every breath she took. She felt as if she was disappointed everyone for the simple fact that everyone still believed in her but she thought of herself to be over, to be closer to the end than anything or anyone else.

She loved her children, she loved Jellybean and Jughead, she loved her friends, she loved FP. But she was frigntened, she was terrified that she would screw up everything, that one day something would trigger her and she would end it all. Alice was so happy FP was awake, but she was so scared she was gonna do something to hurt him again and that was the one thing she couldn't bear to even imagine she would do in an alternative universe.

"Then I'll give you some of mine." FP said without hesitation as thoughts overwhelmed Alice. "It isn't you then me. It's you and me, whatever pieces you need, take them. Take my time, my thoughts, my love, my memories, my anything. I'm ready to give you everything Alice as long as you don't give up."