Hiraeth [GxG]

Chapter 6

Emma's POV:

I turned the water faucet as far as it could go right. I wanted the water to be scolding hot. I wanted the hot water to melt everything away. My stress, troubles, worries, to just wash away, go down the drain and never be able to crawl its way back up. My body has never been overrun by this many emotions before. The only thing I could do was to shut down. Shut everyone out. I feel bad for being dismissive and shutting Mila out, but in order to let her in, I'd have to let in and face everything I was trying to avoid feeling.

The reflection of me was blurred as the mirror fogged up. I turned towards the shower and saw the steam rising. I knew the water was at the perfect temperature. I made my way into the shower and welcomed the searing hot water with open arms. I tried not to let any unwanted thoughts in, but more than that, I tried not to let any thoughts in at all.

It takes exactly 3 hours and 48 minutes of running the shower until the water becomes cold. The cold water caused dread to spread throughout my whole body. I knew it was time for me to get out, but I don't want to sleep. I don't want to face Mila. I'm such a coward. I can't face my emotions; I can't even face my wife, who's literally my soulmate. An explosion went off inside of me, and I went to punch the shower wall, but right before I did, I stopped. I couldn't project the destruction that was happening within me.

I took a deep breath as I shut off the shower. Stepping out, I grabbed my towel and hurriedly dried off. I was glad when I looked over to the mirror; it still blurred my face. I don't think I can look myself in the eyes. Others may not be able to see how I'm really feeling, but I knew I could see the truth. Facing myself in the mirror would be a confirmation of how broken I was, and I wasn't ready to face that.

I put my ear up to the bathroom door to see if Mila was still awake. Luckily it was silent, so I quietly opened the bathroom door and started tiptoeing to the bed. However, when I got close, I realized Mila wasn't in bed sleeping. The bed was still perfectly made, like how I left it this morning. I wonder where she is? She wasn't there when I woke up yesterday morning either. I was having an inner battle... Part of me wanted to find out where she was, but the other wanted to leave her alone, so I could be left alone to my own devices. She would just give me that concerned look that only makes me frustrated.

I decided to just go to bed on my own. Yet, sleep never seemed to come. I laid there for hours staring up at the ceiling. I watched the darkness of the room slowly be overtaken by the light from the rising sun. I looked at the space beside me, untouched. Mila didn't ever come to our room. I used all the strength and motivation I could muster at that moment to propel myself out of bed.

Once I was ready, I made my way downstairs. Once I hit the bottom of the stairs, I took in the smell of bacon and coffee. I could hear the kids talking about how they were excited to start 2nd grade soon. Then, I heard Mila's voice filter through, and it stopped me in my tracks. I could hear feigned happiness in her voice. I gathered myself and continued my way to the kitchen.

"Mommy! It's about time you got here. You've basically missed breakfast." Alyx looked at me a little sad. I looked down at my watch and realized I did take longer than usual to get down here. I would only have another 5 minutes with them before we all would have to leave to start our days.

"I'm sorry, sweety. Wednesdays have always been harder for me to get up out of my comfy bed. The bed begs me to stay, and how could I tell them no?" She shook her head in amusement.

"You're a silly mommy." She said with a giggle. I kissed her on the top of the head and looked at Aleksey with a smile, which he returned. I finally looked up to the one person I was trying to avoid eye contact with. She was taking a drink of her coffee and peering over the mug at me. I was expecting to see concern flood into her eyes, but it never came. In fact, no emotion made their presence within her eyes. She brought her drink down from her lips and pointed over to the edge of the island.