Hiraeth [GxG]

Epilogue

*4 months later*

"I'm here. I'm here. Where are they?" I zipped all the way from my house to Julian's pack territory. Chloe had gone into labor and had the baby. I found Julian in the waiting room, and he had a huge smile on his face.

"Come meet her." He waved his hand for me to follow, and I made my catching up to him.

"So another little girl?" He looked up at me with a sparkle in his eyes.

"Yeah, she's beautiful. I'm glad I listened to Chloe and let the gender be a surprise till when she gave birth to them." I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

"I'm happy to hear that." I gave him a small smile. I haven't genuinely smiled since Mila passed, and even though I knew that I was happy for them, I couldn't feel anything. It's like I could see the world happy in my head telling me that this is how I should feel about everything, but that's it. Just a word in my head that didn't compute anything.

"When is Elisia going to have her baby?" I sighed out.

"Any time now. Hopefully not today because I don't want to be zipping all the way across town again." We both had a little laugh. I had become a pro at laughing and smiling. I was a pro at acting like I was strong. We made our way into the room, and I saw Chloe sitting there holding a little girl. Her head was full of dark brown curls. I walked over and looked at the little girl sleeping peacefully.

"Here, hold her." I smiled and picked up the little girl. I held her securely in my arms. This made me miss when the kids were this small. I still remember it like it was yesterday in the hospital room with Mila holding our kids for the first time. I swallowed down my emotions, and I looked back up at them.

"She's beautiful. What's her name?" They looked at each other and exchanged a smile.

"Mila Grace Santiago." I looked up at them and could feel tears brim my eyes.

"What a beautiful name." I looked down at baby Mila. "You are a very loved little one. I'm glad I got to meet you." I handed Chloe her baby back and said I need to get home to the kids even though they were at Anita's house. I felt so emotional; I couldn't fake it anymore. I didn't want anyone to see me cry, so I had to get out of there before anyone did. 

The kids were with their Mimi, staying with her; they had been for a while now. While I tried to get my shit together. Of course, getting my shit together seems like a task that will not be completed until far in the future. It is completely crazy how much my life has changed in a matter of months; how much it changed in a matter of seconds. I can't seem to swim myself into calm waters; I just keep getting sucked back into the current and sucked underneath the undertow. 

Most people don't know, but when I was younger, I almost drowned... I remember fighting to grab the side of the river bank and pull myself out... I remember when I started to get tired, and I told myself one more try, just one more.. and then you can let go.. and that time when I hit the bottom of the river, and I pushed off, I finally got a grip on a root sticking out of the ground and pulled myself out... I laid there gasping for air.. realizing that I very well could have taken my last breath.. ever since then, I've had an irrational fear of dying due to drowning, even though I am now immortal. I've taught myself to swim and that has helped. Still, I'm so scared of suffocating to the point of death... but as I've gotten older, I've realized you don't have to be drowning in water to feel like you're suffocating.. to feel like you can't catch your breath.. some days are better than others since Mila passed away but those days where you are fighting so hard to keep the water from pouring into your lungs, and it feels so wrong the burn from holding you're breathing, the dissatisfaction the utter betrayal your body is trying to put you through... and you're trying to grasp the ledge and pull yourself out. 

Still, you can't, and when you sink back to the bottom and look up, you realize you are now deeper... and you don't know if you're going to have enough strength to pull yourself out... I can't breathe... my whole body is burning... my mind feels like it's going to explode... do I hold my breath longer and try again, or do I just give in, let go.. breath the water in, and then I won't feel the burning anymore... I won't feel the suffocation... I won't feel like my mind is going to explode.. I'll drift off. I won't feel anything... or do I keep letting my mind feel like it's going to explode and feel that burning desire to breathe to try and push myself to the surface again.. just to see if this is the time I can finally pull myself out... but what if I sink back down again further and further to where I can no longer see the light shine down into the top of the water... 

I'm on dry land, and I'm still suffocating... I just can't breathe... it's like my body is rejecting the oxygen... my mind is against me, telling my throat it's closing.. telling me to have irrational thoughts... telling me to have short rapid breaths.. making me start to panic.... making the world fall in slow motion as if I am trapped... I can't move... I just drop to my knees.. and I.. sink... I taught myself how to swim physically... but it doesn't keep me from drowning mentally...

 Julia and Asha moved to Alium because they couldn't stay in a place filled with anything but haunting memories. Elisia and Lance would soon be having their baby and would be busy raising them, just like Chloe and Julian would be with their newborn. So now my family is broken into billions of tiny pieces, picked up and scattered in every direction by the wind. My sense of community, my root to try and grab on to, to pull myself out of the water, is now gone.

I soon found myself standing outside the place I once called home. But it isn't a home anymore, not without Mila. The house, the kids, and I were missing a vital piece of our family. I look at this place, and I cannot describe the devastating Hiraeth that I feel. 

A/N:

Hey there! Thank you for reading the second book in the series. I will be slowly editing this book later down the road, so hopefully, the rough draft wasn't too bad. There will be one more book in this series, so stay tuned!

~Katja