Gunshots in the Night

Chapter 26

Winters in Chicago were brutal, but beautiful. I however was exhausted. It was Greyson's first holiday season, I was attempting to do some wedding planning, and around the anniversary of the kidnapping I had to double my therapy visits. My doctor also adjusted my meds, so it was a lot at once.

It was our day off and there was a blizzard outside. I had fed Grey and he was down for a nap. So I was curled up on the couch with my therapy journal working on my "homework". Adam had football on the tv as we enjoyed the lazy Sunday. The Bears didn't play for another hour or two, so he decided to feign interest in the Packer game. His exact words to me earlier were You gotta pay attention to the enemy. Plus I don't want to miss the chance to watch them lose.

I worked on my journal, glancing up at the game ever now and again when I noticed Adam's eyes had shifted from the game to me. I kept working for a few minutes, feeling it out but he was still staring.

"I'm wearing an old Bears t-shirt and leggings and my hair is a mess, so I know you're not staring because I look hot," I chuckled, glancing over at him before hooking my pen on the page, "So what's with the staring?"

"First of all, you pretty much always look hot," he began, sitting up a little bit straighter from where he sat on the opposite side of the couch, "But I was just thinking about some stuff. I just-you know, never mind. Go back to your journal."

"Hey it's fine, what's running through your mind?"

I could tell he was thinking as his eyebrows knit together. Adam wasn't very good with sharing his feelings or important thoughts. He usually bottled them up until he exploded with a temper...or drunkenly spilled them. It's something we've worked on a lot and very hard in our relationship. So if he was wanting to start a conversation about his thoughts and such, I didn't want to to discourage or shut that down at all.

"Okay well before I actually Uh say it all, are you okay with talking about the kidnapping? If your not in the head space that's fine I-"

"Yes Adam, it's fine. You and I honestly haven't spoken much about it besides when it happened and my physical recovery. Since then it's just checking in on my therapy in stuff. Obviously I'm still working through it but I'm more okay with talking about it. It's something that happened, it's not like we can pretend it didn't or tip toe around it. So go ahead babe."

I moved closer to him, intertwining our legs as he reached out for one of my hands, intertwining my fingers in his. I could tell he was still slightly unsure, so I gave his hand a loving squeeze.

"When it happened and for a while after I Uh blamed myself because you went out for me that night," he paused, his eyes trained on our fingers he was fiddling with, "The entire time the crime scenes of what he had did to all those other women played through my head as I imagined he had to be doing those same things to you. Then when we found the other girls and the dog cages, it got worse. When we got to New York and Yates was spotted on that beach, my heart plummeted. That's when I had to start wrapping my head around the idea that you were most likely gone. That the entire future I had seen from us was ripped away from her. Which was hard because I had already bought the ring and-"

"Wait," I stopped, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to cut you off but... I didn't know you had the ring before the accident. It thought the proposal was more of a we went through a horrible thing kind of thing which I still loved but it wasn't the same."

"No I had bought the ring two weeks before. Even met Jay for coffees to talk about it and get his blessing. I was planning to do it for our birthday or Christmas but then afterwards I just wanted you," he smiled softly, "But uh a standing on the beach almost killed me and when they let Jay and I at him, we almost killed him. I was petrified that he'd never tell us and that there would never be closure. Busting into that building I was filled with fear, concern, and a glimmer of hope although I couldn't go in first. If you were...if he had killed you, I didn't want to be the one to find you."

His voice broke a bit, so I shifted so I was sitting next to him with our heads still facing each other and hands still slotted together.

"I can't tell you how my heart swelled and equally when I heard you calling out to us. It was just a lot in such a little time and I didn't want to talk about how I felt because you were the one you went through way way worse. But he feels so good to finally talk about it with you."

"Hey it isn't a competition. We were both changed after those two days and all of your feelings about it are valid. I need you to know that. And that you can ask questions and tell me these things. Okay?"

"I mean if it's too much you can just say and I'll respect not getting an answer."

"I know you would."

"What we're you thinking about when it all happened?"

"At first it was fear and panic with that sense of impending dumb. I was terrified I wouldn't see you or Jay or the unit again. I just wanted to get out of it alive. And then after he took my to the cages, I just wanted to die. I wanted it over," I spoke feeling my eyes get glassy with tears as Adam squeezed my hand, "I figured he'd kill me eventually, so I just wanted him to get it over with instead of torturing me. Then he made some comment how he's better than my cop boyfriend. I scoffed and yeah you wish which is when he stabbed me. But the mention of you kinda brought back my fighting spirit."

"Really?"

"That's how I got through it every time he assaulted me. I thought about you and our future we could have. I kept thinking about how love when you just sit and hold me, it's my safest space..." I paused as he pressed a kiss to my hand, "I remember thinking how beautiful it that someone can make your heart beat so fast even when you don't want it to beat at all. You're what kept me alive, Adam. God knows my smart mouth didn't."

"What do you mean?"

"When he was leaving me in that dog cage, he said I'd most likely bleed to death or die of thirst before they found me. And said if they did find me, I'd be even more damaged than we he took me. When he looked the cage and began to walk away I spat and gave him this grin that made his own fall before looking him in the eye and saying, damaged people are dangerous. They know how to make hell feel like home. Then he left."

"Always my feisty girl who has to get the last word in," he chuckled before reaching for me, "Come her baby."

Adam slid me between his legs with my back against his bare chest. My head fit perfectly on his shoulder and he rested his against mine, the roughness of his facial hair obvious against the side of my face.

"Thank you for confiding that and me and listening to me."

"Of course. I love you and I told you I want open communication."

We laid there together for a while with him treading patterns into my skin until the game began. I grabbed beers and the snacks before sitting on Adam's lap.

"You know I could get used to lazy blizzard days like this" Adam smiled, pressing a long kiss to my lips.

"Well you gave me a ring so now you're stuck with my ass every lazy, snowy Sunday. Forever."

"Well then it picked a damn good ass," he grinned as he played me on the ass.

"Adam Ruzek!"

"Oh don't pretend like you didn't like it."

"Oh I did, but if you wake up our son, I'll kick your ass."

"Then we better enjoy the game quietly then."