Gunshots in the Night

Chapter 36

"So how are things?"

"You know taken it day by day, but things a good right now. Adam and I just got back from our honeymoon," I grinned, draping my jacket over the edge of the comfy chair before sitting down in it.

"That's right, congratulations. How are you enjoying married life?"

"Love it. It's definitely a change, but it's a good change."

"Why don't you tell me a little more on how that change makes you feel?"

"Honestly, I think part of its relief. Adam doesn't have the best engagement record and has lingering commitment issues. A part of me was always scared I'd end up just being the 4th fiancé, but now that's gone."

"Good. I'm glad you were able to recognize that feeling too. Any other feelings?"

"Adam and I have both noticed that I seem more comfortable relying on him for things. I think being married has helped drop my last wall of not wanting to rely on someone in case they leave."

"That's great that you feel like your finally able to do that and feel comfortable doing that. Last time we started talking a bit about Greyson's ER trip and the miscarriage... can we talk more on that?"

"Uh yeah. Now looking back on it I can see I had a large amount of anxiety and panic over the possibility of losing my son which led to my anxiety attacks. And the amount of stress I was under then caused my body to have a miscarriage."

"You mentioned last session that you felt a little guilty. Where are you on that now?"

"Besides the usual mom guilt, I honestly don't feel any. At first I was feeling guilty because it almost felt as if I was picking a child over another, and then I felt guilty because I didn't have this disastrous reaction like most people do. I think now that I've had time I can see why I reacted the way that I did."

"Mmm care to share?"

"I don't think I had that overwhelming heartbreak over the miscarriage because I had barely known I was pregnant and hadn't even told Adam, so in my head it wasn't fully real. Plus I was on an adrenaline high with Greyson being sick, so that helped keep me together," I explained with a sigh.

"I can still pick up notions of worry. Are you concerned about something?"

"Uhm well Adam and I have been talking about starting for baby number two soon. I'm just a little nervous that since it happened once it could happen again. Then there's all the other worries that come with a second child."

"Like what?"

"Are we rushing it? Are we ready? Is it too close from having Greyson? Is it fair to Greyson? All those kinds of questions are running through my head. I mean I know we can handle it financially and we won't another little one. This is just where some of my anxieties get ahead of me."

"I think it's important to notice that you are aware that some of these thoughts are just your anxiety, that's a great development. And it's okay to know that some of those are real concerns. The best thing about decisions like this, there's two of you. Talk through all your worries with Adam and work it out together. Some questions you guess may not be able to answer and that's okay too."

"Okay. I'll make sure to do that."

*******

After my session I was meant to head back to work, when I got a call from our nanny. She had a family emergency pop up and needed to leave, so I booked it to the house. On the way I called Voight and got the okay to bring him in with me since the day was half over and we shouldn't all be needed for field work today.