His Choice - Rafe Cameron

22. Asleep

"Even my own best friend thinks I'm some kind of monster." He laughs dryly to himself. "But then again, he was never really my best friend. I mean, who the hell dates their best friends sister? That's fucked up."

"Sometimes you just can't help who you fall for."

Rafe falls backwards and lays on his back, glancing up at the night sky. I sit still, just watching him analysing the sky and the rising and falling of his chest. He looks at peace like this. It makes me think back to what he said last week. That the drugs make being alive more bearable. It made me sad hearing him say that. 

 "You're quiet. You are never quiet which only means that you're thinking. Whatever you're thinking, just say it. I'm drunk, I probably won't remember it tomorrow."

If I say what's on my mind, I won't be alive to see the daylight of tomorrow.

"Have you ever spoken to someone?"

"I've spoken to many people. None of which have made a lasting impression."

"No, like a professional."

He turns his head to look at me and I feel a whirling feeling in my stomach. I'm going to throw up, that's how anxious I feel about what I'm going to say next.

"Speaking to someone about how you are feeling can do you wonders. These people are professionally trained to help us. You're clearly battling so many demons in your head and it's just going to get worse if you don't seek help."

"You think I have mental problems?" He sits up and leans towards me. "You think my head is fucked up Scarlett?" His face is inches away from mine now. "What the fuck are you trying to say to me?" He raises his voice, forcing me to push him away from me to create some distance.

"Rafe, you killed someone. That isn't something that you can just get over."

"And you think talking about it with somebody will help me? Scarlett, nothing and nobody will help me. This is going to be with me for the rest of my life. There is no moving past it."

"How do you know if you won't try?" I ask him. "It's not just the Peterkin thing. Ward has messed with your head your entire life."

He shakes his head in disagreement. "No." He continues shaking his head. "No, my Dad is the only person who has been there for me. He did all that he could to keep our family together. He protected me."

"Rafe, you shot her to protect him."

"He didn't tell me to pull the trigger. I made that decision myself." He places his head in his hands and grimaces in pain. "I need another drink." He mutters under his breath.

"Is how you are going to live your life? Getting drunk and high 24/7. You will be dead by the time that you're 30."

"Well then, only 9 more years until I can see my Mum."

"Rafe..."

He lays back down and lifts his legs so that his feet are on the ground while his knees are facing the sky. "Why do you even care Scarlett? How I choose to live my life is no concern to you."

While staring up at the night sky, I answer him. "Because I stupidly do care."

He doesn't hear my response because his eyes remain closed and his lips part slightly. The slow rising and falling of his chest indicates that he has drifted into a deep slumber. Watching him sleep makes a tear drip down my cheek because of the sadness that I feel for him.

This is the only time that I have seen him look at peace. He is always full of stress and anxiety. Whether he will care to admit it or not. I wish there was something that I could do to help him. To take all of the pain inside of his head away. My life is far from perfect myself, but I have JJ. He is my family who loves me. Rafe has nobody to love him unconditionally. He doesn't even love himself.

I hear footsteps walking along the jetty and I turn my head to see a pair of white shoes. I slowly look up to see the tanned legs and white shorts, followed by a light blue button-up shirt. I sit up to face Topper.

"Is he asleep?" He asks, knowing the answer because Rafe hasn't shouted at him for being in the same proximity as him.

I nod my head and stand to my feet. "Yeah, I think he might be out for a while."

"There's a spare room inside."

"I don't want to disturb him."

Topper crouches down and lifts up Rafe's arm. I quickly bend down and try to stop him, but Topper laughs at me while shaking his head.

"This isn't the first time I've dealt him drunk. Once he's out, he's out."

I take a step back and let Topper lift Rafe to his feet. He groans quietly and mutters something that isn't English while Topper leads him back to his house. Once we are inside, Topper lets go of Rafe and Rafe falls onto the mattress. He is laying sidewards with his legs hanging off the end of the bed.

"You coming?" Topper asks from the doorway. I didn't realise that I was standing at the end of the bed just staring down at Rafe. I was waiting for Topper to help him onto the bed properly.

"You're just going to leave him there like that?"

"Yep, he's a big boy. I'm sure he will roll over when he's ready."

"I'll be out soon."

Topper lets out a sigh and shrugs his shoulders. "Yeah, whatever." He closes the door behind him and leaves Rafe and I alone in the spare room. I pick up Rafe's legs and try to twist his body so that all four of his limbs are on the mattress.

"These long ass legs of yours are bloody heavy." I say to him when I finally manage to lift them onto the bed. I take off his shoes and place them by the door. Then I walk back over to the bed and pick up one of the pillows. I place my hand beneath Rafe's head and gently lift it, popping the pillow beneath his head to make it more comfortable.

While I am hovering over his body and fixing the pillow, Rafe slings his arm around my waist, causing me to fall on top of him. My head smacks against his chin. I grimace while touching the wounded area. That hurt me, so I expected him to wake for sure.

When I glance up at him, he is still fast asleep.

Topper was right. Once he's out, he's out.

Rafe doesn't remove his arm from around my body. I reach backwards and try to remove it. When I finally manage to free a little space, I roll to the side and escape from his hold. My freedom doesn't last long because Rafe rolls onto his side and throws his arm over me again. He pulls me towards his body and holds me in place. My back is pressed to his front.

His slightly parted lips are exhaling hot breaths onto my forehead. His breath reeks of alcohol. 

Rather than trying to fight his grip, I give up and decide to stay like this. It isn't the worst feeling in the world being in Rafe's arms. He's warm and his body is comfortable to be lying against. My eyes feel heavy and I could use some sleep myself.

JJ and John B are going to be worried when they realise I'm not there tomorrow morning. But that's a problem for tomorrow.