better than me, SemiShira

𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑡𝑒𝑒𝑛

Shirabu and I have been spending more and more time with each other lately and I came to enjoy his presence more and more. We've been asking a few times but every time I brought up skating or the skating rink, he seemed to tense up so I tried to avoid the topic as much as possible.

Over time, I came to terms with the fact that I developed a crush on him. Sure, I've been expecting it since I saw him but knowing it and actually accepting it was hard. I think accepting that you actually liked someone was really hard.

At first, I tried to push it off as only liking him as a friend. Who could blame me? Friendship and romantic love were so close, yet so different. Besides, I've never felt that way for someone before. At least I don't remember it. At first, I thought that I was sick. My cheeks were red all the time and my chest was just way too hot. I seriously considered going to a doctor but after I talked to Tendo about it, I realized that I actually had a Crush on SHirabu.

I thought that this wouldn't change anything but it did. My feelings for him have been on my mind for way too long. Everything seemed to remind me of him. And once I started thinking about him, I couldn't stop. I really hated this already.

I always dreamed of falling in love but now that I started falling, I didn't want it anymore. I was too scared. Too scared that I would fall too deep. Or that I would fall alone. I don't think that I could handle a rejection. Sure, I would be able to handle it but it would hurt. It would hurt a lot. And I highly doubted that whatever requited love felt like was worth a broken heart.

Maybe I was just overthinking, it was my first time falling in love after all. But even if he liked me back and we started dating, we wouldn't last. Relationships you have as a teenager never last. You are just too young and too dumb to know what is right and what is wrong. You don't know what you want.

Besides, Shirabu is an exchange student. He won't stay here. He will go away eventually. He lives on the other side of the earth. Miles and hours away. There would be a time difference of seven hours. We wouldn't be able to talk normally. And everyone knows that long-distance relationships don't last. Shirabu and I wouldn't last.

And yet, I knew that if he asked me out, I would say yes. I would risk getting my heart broken because if that meant that I could be with him. It was stupid but I trusted him more than everyone else. I knew that he would never hurt me. Because at the end of the day, he loved me too.

Maybe he didn't love me in the same way as I loved him but love was love and that was all that was important to me. I didn't need him to love me romantically. I just needed him by my side and I would be happy. Scratch that, I just needed him to be happy and I would be happy.