better than me, SemiShira

𝑡𝑤𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑦-𝑠𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛

I did a mistake, again. Last night, Semi told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him too. But I lied. I didn't love him in the same way he loved me. I just couldn't tell him that I didn't love him too. I knew that he would hurt way more if he found out but at this point, it honestly didn't matter anymore. I lied way too much. Semi would hurt either way. The only thing I could do to prevent him from hurting was trying to keep the secret and fall in love with him. Sadly, the last thing took its sweet time.

I really needed to talk to someone about this and because I definitely couldn't tell Tendo, I decided to talk to Hinata. He knew about the whole Rou thing already so I only needed to tell him how I ended up being Semi's boyfriend. That wouldn't be that hard, right?

"You did what now?" Hinata asked after I finished explaining. "I told Semi that I loved him too even though I don't love him in the way he thinks I do," I said. "No before that," Hinata clarified. "I made out with Semi even though I solely like him in a platonic way," I replied. "You know what I'm talking about," Hinata said. He was clearly annoyed. But he was right. "I know it was wrong to tell him that I like him and agree to date him even though I don't like him romantically. I just didn't want to hurt him," I tried to defend myself. "You know that he will be way more hurt if he finds out, right?" Hinata asked. "I know but I just really hoped that I would fall for him too. I mean he's an amazing guy. Besides, going on dates with him and just spending loads of time with him is pretty cool. And kissing him isn't that bad," I argued. "But it's wrong," Hinata said. "I know but I just can't bring myself to tell him that I lied. I never told him that I and Rou are the same person and I never plan to tell him. Same thing with my feelings," I replied. "You know that he will find out eventually, right?" Hinata asked. "Yes, I know. I just try to postpone it as much as possible," I responded. "He'll hurt more if you wait," Hinata argued. "I know goddamnit. I know that I'm a coward, okay? I know that I shouldn't have lied. But I did and I can't turn back time and undo it. If I could, I would. But I can't. So now I just pretend it didn't happen and just hope that I will catch feelings for Semi sooner rather than later," I said. "Okay. Do whatever you feel is right. I can't tell you what to do. Just please try to think of Semi too," Hinata replied. He then hugged me and skated away.

Speaking with Hinata didn't really help. Sure, talking to someone about it helped but it just made me realize once again how badly I had messed up.