Luxsoka-The Things we don't Say

I'm not meant for this

                                                                                              Lux 

 "Sir?" His shaky voice wondered as my gray eyes flickered up from the various stacks of papers I could just drown in.

"Yeah?" I groaned out as my face fell onto the hard metal of the desk miserably.

"You do remember that there is a meeting tomorrow?" He stopped in the doorway, his shadow casting against the painful stream of light that shown in through the door.

"I know, thank you," I mumbled as he finally left, shutting the door and the painful light behind it. "I'll be there happily!" I sprang my hands sarcastically in the air before I slowly picked my head up from my desk.

Have you ever just wanted to scream at the top of your lungs?

To just stand up and let it all out by one loud long threatening scream.

I don't know maybe it's just me, but I knew that wasn't the answer, someone in this facility would come and get me, and I would lose everything in my life, not that it would be the first time.

I couldn't think about any of it though, the past, people, not when I had this job to do, not when i had to get these papers signed, and sent out before the sun rose.

It must have been midnight. The moon was full, as I glanced out of the small window that sat in the corner of what seemed to be my prison cell.

I walked over to the sending door, took the file that had just been sent to me, and threw it on the ground with the rest of the files. I just had to get through them one at a time, only to complete the other ones, and do whatever they ordered me to.

I hate myself. I really do. For everything single thing, I've done. For everything I do know, I absolutely hate myself and that isn't going to change.

If I could only be a boy again, unaware of the war, unaware of that my parents would both be murdered, looking on the world with innocently, not even aware that my own sister would die.

Forget about love too, love I would never get, not now not ever.

I mean Steela died. She died and I just stood there, I was so foolish, I could have helped but I just stood there, as the other girl, as someone who had been my closest friend got shot, causing Steela to fall to her death,

Sure it's pathetic that I haven't really dated anyone, but I just couldn't, not now, not ever. I tried, I have tried trust me but I just couldn't do it, and my childhood dream of starting a family of my own has begun to dissipate from my mind.

All my hopes and dreams, even wanting to continue in my mother's footsteps, that was to be like her... Like the very woman who has always inspired me.

"You have the whole world in front of you beans, your dreams they aren't impossible, no one's dreams are, you can always reach them it can take some time, but they are right there waiting for you." I could still hear her voice, her charging yet kind voice, the voice that would always comfort me when I would cry.

When I fell as a child, when I would scrape my knee, or bang my head, get a paper cut, or lose a fight with my sister, she was always there, when I was in pain, when was in entire doubt of myself.

There was the uncertainty of my whole future, there was only the dull blindness of what was left for me to do.

I was stuck in that dark cell, working, and working, never alive, or even to think a moment about what I used to dream of, or the things or I could have ever wanted.

Or Ahsoka.

No, wait. No. I'm not going to think of that. I can't there is no possible way I can, not if I want to go on, not if I need a single thing to keep going.

She's dead that had to be the truth, there was no other answer or choice. 

The very image of her, being killed by the soldiers she learned to trusted her whole life. Seeing her being murdered in cold blood, like my mother. 

I know I was raised as a separatist but that doesn't mean, I have to agree with them. I don't, and certainly not now. The war was a mistake in the first place when we could have all been in peace, and the whole thing, the separatist were under the control of a sith who was undercover at the empire. 

I can't imagine how Juni would feel if she knew all this. She died for staying true to the separatists, she died because she was loyal to them, and then they all turned their backs on us, slaughtered thousands, slaughtered our own mother, and know they are even turning their backs on their own people. 

There isn't a dream somewhere out there for me, and there certainly isn't love. 

After all everyone, I have ever loved died. 

So maybe I'm just not meant for loving anyone. 

Thank you, so so so so so much for reading. 

Poor Lux :(

May the Force be with you <3