I Miss You // Luke Hemmings | ✔️

~One~

I remember the image of him lying motionless in that coffin so clear as if it was his funeral yesterday. No, it's just under a year since I saw him for that last time before the coffin was sealed and he was lowered into the ground.

People say "sleep well" or "rest in peace" but my Luke has a hole of dirt for a bed and the haunting of the accident left in his passing. He won't ever be able to sleep well or rest in peace. He doesn't belong in there. He belongs with me. He was taken from me too soon!

For a while now I've found myself spiralling into a black hole of depression with no way out. Part of me died with Luke, I'll never get it back because I'm never going to get him back. I miss him so much...

My Mum comes into the room "time to go". I scowl at her "I told you I don't need fucking therapy, I'm grieving I'm bound to be depressed. Just deal with it!"

For about 6 months Mum's been making me go to these stupid therapy sessions once a week. Ever since she noticed the scars on my upper arms and wrists. It's bloody torture, I refuse to speak to someone who doesn't even bloody know me for starters so I just sit in silence glaring at the therapist for an hour. My Mum wastes so much money on this therapy and yet she still pays for it like one day I might change my mind and talk to the therapist, nah thanks!

***
I ended up going and just sat staring at the therapist while she asked if I was still cutting and if I felt any better. I just stared, it was like staring into a dark void. A) No I was not feeling any better coz funny enough I'm not allowed to grieve without being pushed into therapy once a week. B) I still cut... sometimes but try not to when Mum's around don't want her to make me go twice a week, I may just die.

I decide that I need some time out of the house so I grab my phone and my house keys. Lock up and walk to the cemetery.

Once I arrive I walk the long lines of graves until I get to the one I'm looking for. The ground covering the grave is still not properly covered with grass but is more than just a mound of dirt. His headstone is fairly new and shiny grey, on it are the words

"Luke Robert Hemmings
16.07.1996 - 05.01.2014
Devoted Son, Brother and Boyfriend
Will be forever missed and loved
R.I.P"

I didn't realise that I had fallen to my knees in front of the grave or that tears were now streaming down my face. I just sat there reading the headstone and wishing that I could reverse time back to that night, I could stop him from leaving.

I feel the presence of someone else kneeled beside me then. I wipe my eyes and look to see it's Liz, Luke's Mum. I automatically go into her arms and hug her. She's like a second Mum to me, a second Mum who understands me and doesn't force me into therapy.

I pull away and smile as best as I can manage as it's not an easy task these days. "I miss him so much Liz" I start to cry again. She holds me tight "shh shh I know, I know, we all do".