I'm Just Dancing

Explanations

Chad POV

I wait for Ryan to answer the door with a too hot paper cup in each hand. My heart feels like it's going to escape through my head, I just want him to understand.

"Hey!" The door opens. "Come on in."

"Thank you for letting me come by," I mean it, he has every right to keep avoiding me.

"I feel like I have no clue what is going on anymore. If I'm honest I know I owe you an apology too, at least one." He grabs his cup and we go up to his room. "I mean. Maybe it's best if we start from the top. What happened?" He sounds so much softer than usual, not just quieter, like, smaller.

So I spill my guts, from the beginning. Just like I had in the car with my mom. I start with telling him how none of the guys knew we were friends. Then how none of knew Gabriella even existed, or ever heard Troy sing a single note outside of a shower.

"So like do you guys ever tell each other anything?" Ryan interrupts, I know he doesn't mean for it sting like it does.

"I thought Troy and I did." I want to say more but I can't. Everything about this semester feels so messed up.

"You really had no clue what that callback was?" He sounds sad.

"Nope. Once I found out I went to Taylor to see if I could stop it." I ramble from there, about everyone confessing. About how badly I hurt Troy. About how everything is changing and everything I do seems to only make it worse.

"You were trying to stop it? Chad I am so sorry. I-I assumed that you and Taylor were supporting Troy and Gabriella and that this was all some ploy." Neither of us is crying but we are both close to it. "When you pulled away and all of sudden Troy was doing theatre...I don't know. That's why I blew up so badly. I'm sorry I should have talked to you or asked you."

"What would be so bad if I were supporting him?" Would our friendship have still been doomed?

"No one in that school has ever paid attention to theater before. It's all I have, and I put my everything into it. If Troy weren't serious about this, if this were some prank he were pulling to embarrass the drama department. If it were some sick way for science and athletics to get the rest of the funding. I don't know. I-I thought maybe you had pretended to be my friend so that Troy would have an easier time pulling it off." He doesn't even look at me when he says it.

"Ryan, I don't know what I am doing that keeps giving you the idea that I am in on these grand schemes but..." He sniffles.

"It's not you. I- Hate me for my paranoia if you must, but it doesn't come from nowhere. Sharpay already has her claws in this whole mess anyway and I helped. I'm the villain so I don't know why you are here apologizing. Look, if you are done explaining you can leave." He still doesn't look up at me, I don't blame him. When I saw that the date of the call backs had been changed, I was mad. He has a right to be scared, just no need to be.

"Ryan, I don't hate you and I definitely don't see you as a villain." I reach out for his shoulder, "I do have one more explanation, if you think you wanna hear it." Ryan finally looks up and takes a deep breath. His eyes are pink on the edges and I consider backing out.

"Fine," somehow this feels harder to tell him. Why should it?

"I mentioned before how the guys didn't know we were friends. That was mostly unintentional but honestly part of me didn't want them to know. Not, like, because I'm embarrassed but because talking to you makes me feel so comfortable. Like I am allowed to actually be me even if me isn't the best all the time." I feel like I need to get up and run. "I'm selfish. I was worried if I told them about how wonderful you are, they'd all want to be your friend and then I wouldn't have as much of your time. In some way keeping you away from them by staying away from you made sense but it really doesn't and I am so sorry. I would just really hate to lose you Ryan." I reach over and grab his hand.

"I...thank you." He squeezes my hand. "I don't want to lose you either."

He scoots closer to me on the couch and gives me a hug. I wrap my arms around him, pulling him against my chest and just breathe.