Mercury - Malec OneShots ✓

ꕥ My Life

Warning: Implied suicidal thoughts

ꕥ

Can I wish on a star for another life?
'Cause it feels like I'm all on my own tonight
And I find myself in pieces
There are pills on the table
and a thought in my head
And I walk through the halls
where I used to be led
My heart is filled with reasons

Life.
Life used to be full of possibilities, full of hope and excitement for whatever came next.

My life could have been amazing. I've always been the creative type with a slight obsession for colorful and glittery things. Growing up, I wanted to become a fashion designer. I used to steal my mom's phone, hide under the blanket, and watch America's next top model, admiring their runway looks.

Maybe I'm living my dream in some sort of parallel universe. A universe in which I haven't met Camille Belcourt, the woman who took my everything from me.

I don't regret falling in love. It happens, it wasn't my fault. But I regret forgetting all my values, my common sense, and giving the girl all I had without hesitation. I'm not the first one who experienced the damage that a toxic relationship can cause but maybe there's only few who gambled their whole life away because of it.

I did something I'm not proud of. I did something so horrible, that even this inhuman life feels justified. I hate myself. I know that I'm not the naiv, love sick puppy who blindly did whatever she asked me too, even if it meant blood on my hands, anymore.

I'm a better person now, I'm what my mother taught me to be. I'm empathetic and kind, creative and thoughtful. But what is the point in all that, when my whole life is built on past mistakes.

ꕥ

A beeping sound pulls me back to the presence. The cell door opens and the corridor fills with inmates. I join them, head down, hands in my pockets. There's a certain behavior you adapt when locked up with a thousand criminals. You learn to become invisible, something for which my young self would hate me. More color, more glitter, get people to see me! That was what I loved, what I wanted. Now, it's all grey and immunity.

I sit down with the guys from my cell— you learn to stay with your group and leave each other alone— and poke around in the mash of food on my tray.

I usually zone out and go to a different world in my mind. A world where I am free and with a certain dark-haired angel by my side.

Let me explain this: I think I did the impossible, I found a non-criminal friend while being in prison. I have never seen him but I don't give a fuck about how he looks, I know he's my soulmate.

He described himself to me and he sounds pretty cute. Black hair, green eyes, super tall, growing a little beard. He could have also told me that he's fat and full of pimples and I would still be gone for him. Maybe prison makes one pansexual.

We met on Twitter, honestly I don't know how it really happened. He followed me and liked my sarcastic tweets —just random thoughts I get throughout the day, people told me I'm ironically funny, posting and reading also distracted me from reality— then I followed him back, because his tweets were super interesting and different.

He writes a lot about insane conspiracy theories that he made up or just deep quotes that get you thinking a lot. We started texting and got along instantly. He's so damn smart, funny and thoughtful. I can't believe he's single, a guy like him should be married already. But of course I'm happy that he isn't because I'm obviously crushing on him, badly. Also, he's gay, so that helps.