Stupid Wife [Chaelisa]

33. A Memory

Roseanne's POV

She has just been staring at me for a few minutes, still processing the question I asked. This time I'm not sure if that silence means anything good or bad. Lisa doesn't show me much in her eyes at the moment, leaving me totally in the dark. When she finally seems to have understood, she sighs long; I almost hear the noise of her swallowing saliva.

"So that's why you've been so uneasy."

"Yes."

Even though her speech was an affirmation and not a question, I answer it, assuring her that I am being sincere in telling her about what was going on. Lisa nods, showing understanding.

"How long have you been thinking about it?"

"Long time. I don't even know for sure when that will started, but in the last few weeks everything seems to have intensified."

"Why didn't you say anything before?" Her question silences me; I don't know what to answer without looking like something it isn't. And I'm sure she'll jump to conclusions. "It was because of me, right?"

"It was, but before you think wrong, it's not out of pity or anything. I do not doubt your ability, but I wanted to respect your time. I know how much you were suffering from the loss we had, I didn't want to pressure you. I remember how many times you said that Past Roseanne was putting pressure on you, and I never want to be that person again."

My words seem to take her by surprise. I think I understand her reactions, insecurities and everything. I may be changing and showing my changes every day, but I am aware that her memories of our past are still vivid in her memory. "I understand what you did, and I thank you for respecting my space. Did you want to talk to me?"

"Very much. My love, I would never be able to hide anything from you, but I still wasn't sure it was the right time."

"Got it."

"Do you think we should talk about it now?"

"Why the question?"

"I need to be aware if this conversation will hurt you." I quickly approach her, taking her hands in mine and looking directly into her eyes. I want her to understand how sincere I am being. "And don't force anything just to please me, please. Remember when I asked you to think about you too? I'm asking you to do that now."

She takes a while to show a reaction, but soon a huge smile opens on her face. It relaxes me a lot; I feel that we will understand each other without any hurt from this conversation. Because in a way I could end up hurting myself just by hurting her too.

"I think we are ready to have this conversation, yes. At least I feel ready, really. I'm not just talking about lip service."

"I'm glad to know that, you don't know how it was killing me not to share the things I have been feeling with you. It's weird, I felt like I was cheating on you in a way."

"I felt the same way when I couldn't talk to you about my problems. And it's good that I managed to open up, today I feel better and I am grateful for your strength. You helped me a lot."

"I think that in every relationship it is important to have honesty. I am learning a lot from you, and this is one of them. The fact that I am willing to want to increase our family is not a necessity, I am happy with what we have and I am willing to have what you want."

"I understand. You better than anyone know the size of my desire to raise our family, but..."

"Lisa, don't repeat those things. Please, I get broken when you talk about yourself like you're not capable of anything. You know what? I've been thinking about it a lot, and I don't think it was supposed to be before. Think about how things would be, the two of us in conflict with a small child? Can you see the size of the problem we would have?"