Violet Shadows

49

Christine arrived early. Tomorrow came faster than she hoped for, but throughout the night her nerves became thrashing wasps that dug into her spine unable to keep still. Too many expectations, too many scenarios, too much of everything formed in her mind until the voices bled through her ear. Of Haleema's lack of warmth, of Violet's hurt, of Nicol... It kept her awake as if night terrors had leaked through the wasp's pincers, burrowing itself through until she forgot about sleep.

Anyone with a key was able to enter the office and loiter around. Without company, Christine had little to do. She drew the blinds, affording what little light there was to guide her into hope. It was a useless attempt. Nicol hadn't even arrived yet and she was already moping this much? She bit her lip in contempt. True, there was a small part of herself that groveled at seeing Henri and Maze after so long, but Nicol was the one who managed to leave her chest tight. He tried to keep in touch, sending her letters when she refused. They hadn't stopped even after weeks.

It left her feeling both grateful and ashamed.

The letter meant for this week normally arrived at midday. It was her job to ensure that it never arrived. Christine reached to touch the fold of her letters, unsure why she expected the papers to yellow after a day's possession. It felt like months apart when it was only a couple of weeks. Her other hand was occupied with gifts, but her attention towards those things died away with the rise of dawn.

Twenty minutes after rekindling the office's antiques, Nicol arrived. He didn't notice her until she crossed the room. His eyes widened a fraction as he pushed the door shut, swallowing a greeting that formed upon his lips that lost form. Instead, he readjusted the stiff collar at his neck, smoothing over wrinkles that weren't there. His normal brown skin seemed more flushed than usual.

Christine coughed to hide her nerves. "I moved some things around your office. Though nothing on your desk," She added quickly as Nicol surveyed the rearranged bookcase in alphabetical order, the slight shift of chairs, and the drawn curtains. "I thought this place could use some decorating."

"Is that a personal offer?" He said, slowly nearing his desk. Most of his focus went on finding the right words and losing them. Unaccustomed to the silence between them, he sat at his study and was unable to nip the hesitance off his face. "You're welcome to try, but most of the things in here have lost their favor with fashion. Or have become worth little to sell. They were here when I leased the office."

"Leased, not owned?" She asked, fixated at his choice of words.

"I don't intend to stay here forever." Though she hung awkwardly, unable to choose to sit or stand, Nicol was rambling too much to notice. "I'm sure you've heard rumors about me..." His voice trailed, but his eyes suddenly flickered to reach hers. "At court. That's all those pesky nobles seem to be talking about nowadays."

That and what I did to Rionack. Instinct left her tensing, but goodwill fought through it like a rancid beast. Of course Nicol would hear what happened. There was no use in confirming his story when the dark, Dajhan brows of his puckered in worry. She was left with little to spill, and more embarrassment to weaken her hold.

No. Now was the time to apologize. It was what she intended to do the moment she stepped out onto the streets, writing those letters. Holding her chin high, she did her best to maintain the order within herself. Forgiveness could not be bought but earned. Wallowing within herself could afford no proof of that betterment: she'd be mistaken for a ghost haunting for all of eternity, unable to fulfill their desires. But not her.

"Happy birthday," She said, voice sounding firm with the tightness at her throat. "I understand it was yesterday, but nevertheless I bought you a gift. And it comes with an apology, though that part is separate from your birthday gift. If you don't intend to listen to me, or ever want to see me again, I can leave now." Her leg shook, afraid of what would follow through.